The Return of the MAILBAG!!! Forum

[Tempus Fugit]

For those of you who aren't familiar with longodds' blog. He was a brilliant poster, who took questions from TLS posters and answered their questions to give people better insight into him, his psychosis, and the world around us. Here’s a link to his blog, in case you’re curious: http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... =11&t=5161 (scroll down past the cat pictures)
With him gone, I hope to bring the mailbag blog back to prominence where it belongs, and I hope more people submit questions next time!

How has masturbation changed for you ever since your crippling shoulder injury?
-LoseItToMe

It’s like any other desperate animal in the wild. You learn to adapt, like the dog with both front legs missing, which walks around on just his hind legs. My right arm was in excruciating pain for several months. I don’t magical start getting laid just because I couldn’t use my right arm by some nurse (not that I didn’t try using the arm injury to convince girls), so you do the math. For the record, what they say about its benefits to skin is absolutely true. My feet have never been smoother.

Why do I find it so titillating when your mom calls Ted Kennedy?
-Uzumaiti

You like to think of yourself as being connected to Ted Kennedy through a game I like to call “six-degrees of Paris Hilton.” They’re old friends. She assures me that he is not my real father, but she also testified that Teddy wasn’t under the influence that night in Chappaquiddick, that I’m good looking, and that I can be anything I want to be when I grow up, so her reliability has been called in question on more than one occasion.

What traits do you look for in a potential girlfriend? And, as a follow up, would you date me?
-Anonymous

The first, and most important, traits for any potential girlfriend of mine are patience and understanding. It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I tend to be moody and reclusive at times (like any prolific TLS poster); I get frustrated; I’m a jerk for no good reason. I need someone to be willing to look past all that long enough to discover my bad breath and horrible table manners.

The restraining order I sent you should answer the follow up question.

Would you ever have sex with your best friend's sister or mother? (or brother or father, so you don't roguishly avoid answering the question). What would you do if your friend angrily confronted you about your videotaping of the lustful deed, which he mistakenly saw after you recorded over his favorite episode of Queer Eye?
-LoseItToMe

Well, I did, briefly (and disastrously), date my best friend’s cousin, who he considers a sister, and my friend and I managed to survive that debacle and are as close as ever. I think it’s safe to assume that, if I ever date again, I would date my best friend’s sister with only minor reservations.

But a more pressing concern is this: Who uses video tapes anymore? Who could video tape over anything? Is it still 1996 in Tennessee? If he found the video anywhere, it would be on the computer, and he shouldn’t have been looking in the folder titled “Work Documents” in the first place. He should been looking through the folder in My Documents titled “Porn,” which contains all my work documents. No best friend of mine would be clever enough to figure out this system and actually find my homemade porn.

If I paid someone $10,000 for a "service" and they failed to complete the "job", do I have any legal recourse to get my money back?
-Uzumaiti

I don’t think this hired killer can be blamed for his failure to kill me. I’m not an easy person to kill. I utilize covert ordinance tactics regularly by never actually leaving the house and having a life outside of TLS. It’s a tactic I like to call the “mole maneuver.” Using this, and other sophisticated survival techniques, makes me very difficult to kill. Over the years, there have been several attempts on my life, and I have survived all of them. You’re going to need kryptonite.

I used to work with this guy who I loved to death. We flirted constantly, and I knew he had a girlfriend, but I assumed the flirting wasn't to be taken seriously. Then the flirting increased, AND I found out the girlfriend was a fiancée. I knew he kind of had a thing for me, and I definitely had a thing for him, but there wasn't anything we could do about it. Then he called me, the night before his birthday, to tell me I should come down to this little pub he was at and drink with him. I assume he's there with people (including his fiancée), so I drag my best friend along with me. Except, he's not there with people. He's there completely alone. No fiancée and no friends. He wasn't expecting me to bring someone with me, that's for sure. Then it got really awkward and we had a beer and he said he was tired and went home.

We've only barely talked about it. And then he texted me last night, I assume his fiancé is on Spring Break. I haven't texted him back.

What does this mean?!?!

It should be pretty obvious that he was going to try to move from “happy birthday to me” to “what did you get me” to Birthday Hook up, one of the oldest maneuvers in the book. He interpreted you bringing a friend as your way of saying that you didn’t want the same thing, or he was just pissed off that he wasn’t going to get to hook up with you. We here at the mailbag don’t judge, but guys like that will always cheat, so you should know that going into it. Guys like that won’t be changed or reformed. Ladies, if he’s cheating with you, he would cheat on you, as a basic rule. Maybe that’s not something you mind, in which case, he is interested in hooking up with you while his fiancée is away. Tread carefully.

Do you believe Stanford would be fools for not admitting you?
-Hawkeye

When I consider some of the other TLS posters who have applied to Stanford and not been accepted yet, it makes me think that Stanford would be fools to admit me. Stanford adcomms, if you’re reading this, I apologize for telling you that I know where you live. I know that the pictures I drew of your houses on fire and your pets with singed tails was probably enough to get me accepted, but I urge you to reconsider. There are more deserving applicants that need their acceptance phone call first.

The family member of which TLS poster has/is most likely to have been the vulnerable victim of your above described erotic rampage?
-LoseItToMe

Those of you who are regular followers of my posts and chat ramblings know that I’m a big fan of nice hair. Every girl I’ve ever been serious about has had amazing hair, and I thought it made them beautiful. So it should come as no surprise that I would choose Son of Cicero’s sister for my “erotic rampage.” If her hair is half as fabulous as Son of Cicero’s hair, I would be a very happy man.

What is the best way to get a girl to fall in love with you over the internetz
-underdawg

.

If I knew a fool proof way, I would be in LA right now and not sitting alone in my room. However, I think I can offer some guidance on where to start. First, in any good relationship, there is a physical attraction between both people. There needs to be for any good relationship to work, so the first thing you need to do is find a good picture of yourself to share with the girl you like, enough to get her interested. I recommend using a Google-image search for this, where you can find something like the one I like to use:





After you have a picture, you need to find an excuse to message them. The approach is very important, so you bide your time and wait for the perfect opportunity to strike. You find a seemingly innocent reason to send them a private message, and you make sure to include questions, so they have to write you back. This first message is very important. A message telling them how pretty they are and how they will be the best looking girl at whatever law school they are attending is going to come off as creepy and weird. You need an excuse to message them initially that doesn’t make you come off like a creepy. If you’re using the picture that I recommend, they should already know that someone of your caliber wouldn’t be trying to pick them up on TLS, so that should put them at ease.

After that it’s just chemistry and appearing clever. Run your jokes by someone who is actually funny to make sure they won't fall horribly flat, and in your posts on TLS, you should subtly post inside jokes that only she would understand and then point them out to her if she misses them (you'll notice I've included quite a few in this blog). This will make her feel like you guys are sharing something really special over the interwebz, something undeniable. After that, just sit back and let your love grow and start looking for cheap flights to Chicago.

What's your preferred method for getting the news?
-lbeezy

I prefer not to get the news. None of it really qualifies as “news.” The major headlines today still revolve around the New York governor sleeping with prostitutes. Does it surprise anyone that a politician is sleeping with prostitutes? Is this remotely surprising given the history of politicians in this country? I just can’t get myself to care. Today is my day off from caring, so I have refused to read any articles about it.

Would you ever consider running for office?
-Hawkeye

Yes. It is my understanding that I would get to have sex with prostitutes. Beggars can’t be choosers.

If you had to have sex with an animal, which one would you choose?
-Anonymous

I thought nobody was going to top this question, until…

Name a person you'd rather have sex with when s/he's dead rather than alive.
-M20009

You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the questions submitted. Any questions I didn’t get to this time around, I’ll try to get to next time. PM me new questions as you think of them! Thanks everyone!!

[Tempus Fugit]

Dear Temp,
What does one have to do to get into your pants?

Sincerely,
Anonymous female poster

I currently live with my sister and her husband and two nieces (under the age of 2). I divide my time between working, playing with babies, and TLS. My idea of being healthy is stealing my niece’s Flintstone vitamins and cutting back to 3 sodas a day. I have no clue where I might attend law school (or even if I’m attending). I have a tendency to not answer my phone for no good reason. So, I guess my point is don’t push and shove too much while standing in line.

Why doesn't "bleeball" like his new nickname?

I don’t think he dislikes his new nickname. It’s just that the nickname didn’t come from his true love and that disappoints him. Why shouldn’t he like it? It’s a good name. I think nicknames work because of who they come from. I’ve had many nicknames over the years: Sweets, Boy Wonder, Pedro, Our Little Accident, and I even had a girl call me “Bunny”. From anyone else, it would have sounded ridiculous, and I probably would have hated being called, “Bunny,” but I liked her a lot, so I thought it was ridiculously cute, and it made me smile every time I heard it. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate the nickname or the sentiment behind it, but he wishes it had come from someone else.

Do you fear the day when a DNA test proves that you are Uzu's illegitimate son?

Have you seen him? It seems clear to me that his claims were lies. He’s much too good-looking to be my father.

How does one balance living for others and taking care of one's self?

I like to take a day off from being nice and decent and moral every once in awhile. I don’t go around tripping old ladies and stealing candy from my nieces (okay maybe I do the latter), but when I get tired of caring about everyone else, I just take a day off and rest up for the next day. I think days like that, selfish days, are necessary and help you be a better person on the other days. I recommend NOT caring about anyone else for a full day. Just mail in a day and come back strong the next.

How can one successfully pick up a girl, or at least get her phone number, in an airport or on a flight?

Listen. Here’s the thing about airplanes. Your audience isn’t going anywhere. The best they can do is put on headphones or bury their nose in a book. I got my first job in college on an airplane and met a few girls and dozens of business contacts. The key is to establish from the start that you might be interesting and worth talking to, that you’re interested in starting a conversation. If you don’t establish that, before they’re allowed to turn on electronics, it’s awkward and nearly impossible to do so. But you have that time from when you sit down until the time you’re allowed to turn on electronics to talk to get them interested, which gives you about 20 minutes to work with. Read their body language. Most people are bored and looking for interesting conversation and to meet new people, but some people would rather be left alone. It never hurts to try. Get them talking to you early and you have them locked in for the duration of the flight, and once the conversation starts, it’s now awkward for them to end it by putting on their headphones, so they’re stuck, trapped, and they have nothing else to do but listen to what you have to say. Then it’s just a question of reeling them in.

Another interesting phenomenon is the fact that airports seem to have the best looking girls in the world. Where do these girls spend all their time when they aren’t traveling? Is it the fact that you’re bored and looking to meet anyone to kill time with? I really have no idea, but it’s something worth exploring more closely. Until then, keep a wide stance in the stalls and carry business cards. You never know what might happen.

Do you plan to do any sort of law school prep over the summer and/or do you have a suggested summertime reading list either law school related or not?

I probably will read Law School Confidential and I’ll review the forum for law students on TLS, but other than that, I plan to avoid thinking about law school or law related things. In order to prepare for law school, instead, I’m going into training. I’ll start drinking at least 5 nights a week, and sleeping no more than 4 hours a night. It seems like this is the best way to prepare myself for law school, to get my body ready for the rigors of law school. I will also become familiar with library security systems, so I can learn how to steal books and be the best gunner I can be. I may take a job at a library, so I can infiltrate it from the inside and learn all of its secrets.

What is the best city in the US?

Well, I think, first, we need to limit it to cities in which we could get married, obviously, which limits us to my home state of Massachusetts. There are a lot of great cities in Massachusetts: Springfield, Holyoke, Lowell, Worcester, Brockton, Fall River, New Bedford, Lynn, Lawrence, and many more. I think it’s pretty clear based on this first limitation that Boston is the best city in America. It has great food, a good night life (if a bit on the young and drunk side), interesting things to see, and most of all, we can finally be together.

Would you like me better if I were more like you?”

I think it’s safe to say that I would like you LESS if you were more like me. I tend to be moody, stubborn, easily annoyed, torn between jubilee and melancholy, between happiness and frustration. I’m glad you’re not like me. I tend to find people like me obnoxious, as most people probably find me.

I’m concerned my boyfriend might be gay. He tends to prance a lot, especially in the ocean, and encourages people to take pictures of this, and he says things like, “temp hasn't participated in a theme in a long time,” because I think he misses looking at you. What should I do?”

…uhhh

…As always, thanks for the questions everyone! Sorry if I didn’t get to your question. PM me more questions, and I’ll post the next blog as soon as I have enough questions! I hope you guys enjoyed it.