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Ben Matlock

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Free Yale 250 critique!

Post by Ben Matlock » Wed Nov 11, 2015 6:00 pm

I am a YLS grad and the founder of IvyAchievement.com. This forum was helpful for me getting into law school and I'd like to pass on the help to the "next generation." For the next week (until November 18), I'm offering free critiques of YLS 250 essays. Please send them via PM or to ben@ivyachievement.com (preferably the latter, in Word format) and mention TLS.

Feel free to submit anonymously. Your essays will not be shared with anyone associated with YLS, including anyone on my Board of Advisors. You can also feel free to call us at (888) 683-8878.

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fats provolone

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Re: Free Yale 250 critique!

Post by fats provolone » Wed Nov 11, 2015 6:08 pm

here's mine. it's a hair over 250 words but i hear that's the kind of power move that can set you apart from the other applicants
The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world. The continued development of technology will worsen the situation. It will certainly subject human beings to greater indignities and inflict greater damage on the natural world, it will probably lead to greater social disruption and psychological suffering, and it may lead to increased physical suffering even in "advanced" countries. The industrial-technological system may survive or it may break down. If it survives, it MAY eventually achieve a low level of physical and psychological suffering, but only after passing through a long and very painful period of adjustment and only at the cost of permanently reducing human beings and many other living organisms to engineered products and mere cogs in the social machine. Furthermore, if the system survives, the consequences will be inevitable: There is no way of reforming or modifying the system so as to prevent it from depriving people of dignity and autonomy. If the system breaks down the consequences will still be very painful. But the bigger the system grows the more disastrous the results of its breakdown will be, so if it is to break down it had best break down sooner rather than later.

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Ben Matlock

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Re: Free Yale 250 critique!

Post by Ben Matlock » Wed Nov 11, 2015 6:19 pm

fats provolone:
here's mine. it's a hair over 250 words but i hear that's the kind of power move that can set you apart from the other applicants
Since you posted publicly, I'll reply publicly.

I'm not going to do a line-edit because I think you need to think about the content. You are calling for a halt in the advancement of technology and at least predicting, if not advocating for, a breakdown of civilization and a return to pre-industrial society. That's pretty radical. Does your personal statement reflect this? Seeing that you're seeking advice on an online forum, I doubt that this essay is a genuine expression of your beliefs. If it is, you'd better have some academic credentials and experience to back it up.

Also, don't go a hair over 250.

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A. Nony Mouse

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Re: Free Yale 250 critique!

Post by A. Nony Mouse » Wed Nov 11, 2015 6:26 pm

please ignore fats. he's not an applicant, just bored.

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Ben Matlock

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Re: Free Yale 250 critique!

Post by Ben Matlock » Tue Nov 17, 2015 4:45 pm

Hey everyone - only two days left to get a free Yale 250 critique!

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rpupkin

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Re: Free Yale 250 critique!

Post by rpupkin » Tue Nov 17, 2015 5:01 pm

fats provolone wrote:here's mine. it's a hair over 250 words but i hear that's the kind of power move that can set you apart from the other applicants
The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world. The continued development of technology will worsen the situation. It will certainly subject human beings to greater indignities and inflict greater damage on the natural world, it will probably lead to greater social disruption and psychological suffering, and it may lead to increased physical suffering even in "advanced" countries. The industrial-technological system may survive or it may break down. If it survives, it MAY eventually achieve a low level of physical and psychological suffering, but only after passing through a long and very painful period of adjustment and only at the cost of permanently reducing human beings and many other living organisms to engineered products and mere cogs in the social machine. Furthermore, if the system survives, the consequences will be inevitable: There is no way of reforming or modifying the system so as to prevent it from depriving people of dignity and autonomy. If the system breaks down the consequences will still be very painful. But the bigger the system grows the more disastrous the results of its breakdown will be, so if it is to break down it had best break down sooner rather than later.
Frankly, you seem more like Harvard material.

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