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How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:19 pm
by Anonymous User
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Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:22 pm
by icansortofmath
To this day I respond once per hour. If I know something is coming up and I could get lost in the work, I let my wife know.

Random emoticons throughout the day help too.

If she’s looking for actual ongoing conversations throughout the day, it’s time to have a talk and set some expectations.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:30 pm
by JohnnieSockran
I respond to my wife when I can...sometimes that means back and forth for 20 text messages, other times it means I go dark for 12 hours (that's extreme, but occasionally happens on days of closings when hundreds of emails are flying).

She gets it that if I'm not responding I'm working. You need to manage her expectations now because things will certainly get worse once you're an associate.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 1:00 am
by ivankinghk
ex disappeared for 24 hrs and told me afterward she was busy with work... that was the reason we broke cuz lack of communication.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 4:30 pm
by MaxMcMann
Anonymous User wrote:ex disappeared for 24 hrs and told me afterward she was busy with work... that was the reason we broke cuz lack of communication.
Lol what

You don't even need to be in law for that to be reasonable, how clingy are you?

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 5:00 pm
by abiglawyer
MaxMcMann wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:ex disappeared for 24 hrs and told me afterward she was busy with work... that was the reason we broke cuz lack of communication.
Lol what

You don't even need to be in law for that to be reasonable, how clingy are you?
Aren’t you a law student? And the post you’re responding to is not unreasonable at all (though I’m sure your girlfriend appreciates that you don’t ask questions about her weekend getaways with her yoga instructor).

OP, you’ve touched on one of the many difficult aspects of working in biglaw: the long and unpredictable hours often put a strain on attorneys’ personal relationships. This just comes with the territory, unfortunately; and while the “divorced partner” is a stereotype and not by any means representative of all partners, it is a stereotype with some basis in truth. This is one of the many reasons people leave.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 5:08 pm
by misterjames
abiglawyer wrote:
MaxMcMann wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:ex disappeared for 24 hrs and told me afterward she was busy with work... that was the reason we broke cuz lack of communication.
Lol what

You don't even need to be in law for that to be reasonable, how clingy are you?
Aren’t you a law student? And the post you’re responding to is not unreasonable at all (though I’m sure your girlfriend appreciates that you don’t ask questions about her weekend getaways with her yoga instructor).

OP, you’ve touched on one of the many difficult aspects of working in biglaw: the long and unpredictable hours often put a strain on attorneys’ personal relationships. This just comes with the territory, unfortunately; and while the “divorced partner” is a stereotype and not by any means representative of all partners, it is a stereotype with some basis in truth. This is one of the many reasons people leave.
Can't tell you how many partners and executives I've heard jokingly refer to "the first marriage" as some rite of passage, it's kinda gross

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 5:13 pm
by nixy
I mean that sounds kind of clingy to me, too, but obviously we need more facts. If someone can’t respond to repeated texts worried about you just to say you’re okay but can’t talk, sure, that’s not cool. If they just fail to initiate contact for 24 hours that’s another thing entirely. And if you know where this person works and you know it can swallow them up without notice then breaking up over that sounds kind of dumb.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 5:23 pm
by icansortofmath
During one of my ibanking summers, I was in literal lockdown (like I had to check out my blackberry, yeah, I am old) and they still let me send what amounts to proof of life messages every few hours.

Seriously 24 hours without even an “I am alive” message is pretty bad, if that’s what happened. Even then it would take repeat offenses with no sign of improvement to get to breakup.

But if she did say busy, can’t talk at all, that’s another story.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 7:41 pm
by ivankinghk
icansortofmath wrote:During one of my ibanking summers, I was in literal lockdown (like I had to check out my blackberry, yeah, I am old) and they still let me send what amounts to proof of life messages every few hours.

Seriously 24 hours without even an “I am alive” message is pretty bad, if that’s what happened. Even then it would take repeat offenses with no sign of improvement to get to breakup.

But if she did say busy, can’t talk at all, that’s another story.

We didn't have trouble communicating until 'we both started working..... it wasn't a one-time thing, it happened many many times before we broke. I mean.... going dark for 24 hrs without any text or responses was ridiculous. you still gotta take the train, eat, shit, break, etc.. and im sure she could have sneaked a text in between or at least shoot me a text and let me know she ganna be busy. just wasn't worth it trading your relationship for work.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 12:01 pm
by JHP
Mods -- just curious, but why is OP's post gone? Did they delete? If so, is that generally allowed? (Not trying to call them out--just wondering how that works and whether posts should be removed without good reason, especially something like asking about how to balance work/life v. identifying information.)

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 1:45 pm
by Yugihoe
JHP wrote:Mods -- just curious, but why is OP's post gone? Did they delete? If so, is that generally allowed? (Not trying to call them out--just wondering how that works and whether posts should be removed without good reason, especially something like asking about how to balance work/life v. identifying information.)
There's no rules against editing out your own posts.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 2:25 pm
by QContinuum
ivankinghk wrote:
icansortofmath wrote:During one of my ibanking summers, I was in literal lockdown (like I had to check out my blackberry, yeah, I am old) and they still let me send what amounts to proof of life messages every few hours.

Seriously 24 hours without even an “I am alive” message is pretty bad, if that’s what happened. Even then it would take repeat offenses with no sign of improvement to get to breakup.

But if she did say busy, can’t talk at all, that’s another story.

We didn't have trouble communicating until 'we both started working..... it wasn't a one-time thing, it happened many many times before we broke. I mean.... going dark for 24 hrs without any text or responses was ridiculous. you still gotta take the train, eat, shit, break, etc.. and im sure she could have sneaked a text in between or at least shoot me a text and let me know she ganna be busy. just wasn't worth it trading your relationship for work.
I mean, you do you - you don't need any reason to break up with someone - but it does seem kinda ridiculous from an outside perspective if you broke up solely because you felt your SO had the effrontery to have a demanding job. (Especially when you admit that you bore at least half the fault yourself - "didn't have trouble communicating until we both started working"). You (presumably) knew her job was very demanding and involved long and unpredictable hours. It's pretty clingy to require her to "sneak a text in" constantly while in the midst of a fire drill just to reassure you that she still loved you.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 3:42 pm
by icansortofmath
Other than other lawyers, lawyers marry homemakers and teachers the most.

Probably not an accident lawyers marry people who either understand their schedules or got so much free time they can work around lawyers’ schedules.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 3:51 pm
by cavalier1138
icansortofmath wrote:Other than other lawyers, lawyers marry homemakers and teachers the most.

Probably not an accident lawyers marry people who either understand their schedules or got so much free time they can work around lawyers’ schedules.
Oh, this is starting to get iffy...

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:34 pm
by abiglawyer
QContinuum wrote:
ivankinghk wrote:
icansortofmath wrote:During one of my ibanking summers, I was in literal lockdown (like I had to check out my blackberry, yeah, I am old) and they still let me send what amounts to proof of life messages every few hours.

Seriously 24 hours without even an “I am alive” message is pretty bad, if that’s what happened. Even then it would take repeat offenses with no sign of improvement to get to breakup.

But if she did say busy, can’t talk at all, that’s another story.

We didn't have trouble communicating until 'we both started working..... it wasn't a one-time thing, it happened many many times before we broke. I mean.... going dark for 24 hrs without any text or responses was ridiculous. you still gotta take the train, eat, shit, break, etc.. and im sure she could have sneaked a text in between or at least shoot me a text and let me know she ganna be busy. just wasn't worth it trading your relationship for work.
I mean, you do you - you don't need any reason to break up with someone - but it does seem kinda ridiculous from an outside perspective if you broke up solely because you felt your SO had the effrontery to have a demanding job. (Especially when you admit that you bore at least half the fault yourself - "didn't have trouble communicating until we both started working"). You (presumably) knew her job was very demanding and involved long and unpredictable hours. It's pretty clingy to require her to "sneak a text in" constantly while in the midst of a fire drill just to reassure you that she still loved you.
Eh I don’t know. I’ve worked in a busy practice group for three years and I’ve never had a 24 hour stretch where I couldn’t text *at all*, even if just a periodic “this sucks.” But we’re speculating a lot here and without more information it’s hard to say whether he was being unreasonable (and frankly I don’t care).

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:07 pm
by icansortofmath
cavalier1138 wrote:
icansortofmath wrote:Other than other lawyers, lawyers marry homemakers and teachers the most.

Probably not an accident lawyers marry people who either understand their schedules or got so much free time they can work around lawyers’ schedules.
Oh, this is starting to get iffy...
https://www.bloomberg.com/graphics/2016 ... ries-whom/

Gets iffier... lawyers, teachers, then secretaries. Female lawyers marry female “other” computer before they marry non-lawyer/judge men. (My guess is most men are too chicken to date smart women that can crush them in divorce proceedings).

Data.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:31 pm
by cavalier1138
icansortofmath wrote:
cavalier1138 wrote:
icansortofmath wrote:Other than other lawyers, lawyers marry homemakers and teachers the most.

Probably not an accident lawyers marry people who either understand their schedules or got so much free time they can work around lawyers’ schedules.
Oh, this is starting to get iffy...
https://www.bloomberg.com/graphics/2016 ... ries-whom/

Gets iffier... lawyers, teachers, then secretaries. Female lawyers marry female “other” computer before they marry non-lawyer/judge men. (My guess is most men are too chicken to date smart women that can crush them in divorce proceedings).

Data.
I was talking more about your implicit assumption that teachers don't work very much. But I want you to read the highlighted part and think a little harder about how you interpreted the data...

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:41 pm
by icansortofmath
Obviously I am twisting the data a bit for a little comedy.

I am btw married to an elementary school teacher. I know partners whose wives work with my wife too. Lol. And yes, we all agree having wives who got lots of free time makes it a lot easier to plan vacations.

If nothing else, they got summers off. Their work hours are very predictable too. Experienced teachers recycle lesson plans and really don’t do that much prep outside of school.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2020 9:32 am
by Anonymous User
Potentially how bad could it be to break up with your live-in SO a few weeks before starting as a first-year? Pretty nervous about it affecting work bc of living situation, but also figured that the first couple of weeks/months could be slow, so may be a good time as any to do it?

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2020 9:56 am
by emc91
Anonymous User wrote:
Wed Dec 16, 2020 9:32 am
Potentially how bad could it be to break up with your live-in SO a few weeks before starting as a first-year? Pretty nervous about it affecting work bc of living situation, but also figured that the first couple of weeks/months could be slow, so may be a good time as any to do it?
If you want to end the relationship, end the relationship. Don’t drag the other person along while you wait for the perfect time. Jesus.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2020 10:05 am
by Anonymous User
emc91 wrote:
Wed Dec 16, 2020 9:56 am
Anonymous User wrote:
Wed Dec 16, 2020 9:32 am
Potentially how bad could it be to break up with your live-in SO a few weeks before starting as a first-year? Pretty nervous about it affecting work bc of living situation, but also figured that the first couple of weeks/months could be slow, so may be a good time as any to do it?
If you want to end the relationship, end the relationship. Don’t drag the other person along while you wait for the perfect time. Jesus.

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2020 10:17 am
by nixy
I'm not sure what kind of an answer you're looking for. Why would you drag this out? How will that be better for your career? What would be "bad" for your career about changing your personal life? If they're live-in, either you or they are going to have to move out, and either way, that will be disruptive, but when will it not be? Presumably if you want to break up with them, you believe your life will be better out of the relationship, so how will that have a bad effect on your work?

Re: How to balance work and relationships

Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2020 3:37 pm
by Whatislaw
Agree with the others. You owe it to yourself and the other person to end a relationship if you have no intent on continuing it (as opposed to dragging it out). Plus, there is no time like the present. It will only get worse in terms of affecting your career as work ramps up.