Fiance won't quit stressful job Forum

[Phil Brooks]

Also, re: the "distastefulness" of this thread: this forum is here for people to raise questions they think other law students/lawyers can help them with. This is a question involving legal jobs. People have responded seriously and thoughtfully. There's also nothing about posting here that suggests the OP isn't *also* talking to friends/family/etc., or that the OP is going to blindly follow what anonymous people on the internet say. If you personally would be uncomfortable raising such a subject here you certainly never have to, but there's no reason someone should be shamed for doing so. (I might be kind of upset if I were the fiancée and I read about this here, but that's something the OP has to weigh in deciding where to turn for advice. Family and friends pose a similar risk, frankly.)

Thank you. This should be a general rule for TLS. I'm so tired of seeing the generic useless response, "Lol, why are you asking Internet strangers?"

[encore1101]

Well, hopefully, this surgery can be the wake-up call that your fiance needs that something (either her job or her personal investment in her clients) needs to change. Best of luck, OP.

[ballouttacontrol]

if this experience doesn't change her mind tbh I don't think there's anything you can do. I'd probably break up with her if she doesn't come to her own revelation following the surgery. I've gone through dealing with people doing shitty stuff to themselves....there is nothing you can do

[Npret]

Hey OP: how are you doing?

[Anonymous User]

Hey OP: how are you doing?

Good. The fiance's surgery went fine and she should fully recover.

I really don't have the energy to address this issue now.. may have to wait a couple of more days before I can begin to tackle this.

Thanks for all the replies. They've all been helpful.

[Lacepiece23]

Also, re: the "distastefulness" of this thread: this forum is here for people to raise questions they think other law students/lawyers can help them with. This is a question involving legal jobs. People have responded seriously and thoughtfully. There's also nothing about posting here that suggests the OP isn't *also* talking to friends/family/etc., or that the OP is going to blindly follow what anonymous people on the internet say. If you personally would be uncomfortable raising such a subject here you certainly never have to, but there's no reason someone should be shamed for doing so. (I might be kind of upset if I were the fiancée and I read about this here, but that's something the OP has to weigh in deciding where to turn for advice. Family and friends pose a similar risk, frankly.)

Thank you. This should be a general rule for TLS. I'm so tired of seeing the generic useless response, "Lol, why are you asking Internet strangers?"

Realer shit was never said on TLS. This post should be stickied. I love this site for the information, but people need to quit being assholes.

[Npret]

Hey OP: how are you doing?

Good. The fiance's surgery went fine and she should fully recover.

I really don't have the energy to address this issue now.. may have to wait a couple of more days before I can begin to tackle this.

Thanks for all the replies. They've all been helpful.

Great news. Take your time. You can always vent here or ask for advice such as we might have to share. Keep your head up.

[lolwat]

Hey OP: how are you doing?

Good. The fiance's surgery went fine and she should fully recover.

I really don't have the energy to address this issue now.. may have to wait a couple of more days before I can begin to tackle this.

Thanks for all the replies. They've all been helpful.

Great news. Take your time. You can always vent here or ask for advice such as we might have to share. Keep your head up.

Yeah. Good to hear. I would suggest taking a little time anyway -- even if you had the energy, she probably doesn't.

[elendinel]

Hey OP: how are you doing?

Good. The fiance's surgery went fine and she should fully recover.

I really don't have the energy to address this issue now.. may have to wait a couple of more days before I can begin to tackle this.

Thanks for all the replies. They've all been helpful.

Good plan; try to reduce your stress and make sure you're taking care of yourself, too.

[Anonymous User]

OP here.

My fiance was released today from the hospital and we're back home.

As she's taken the next 2 weeks off from the PD, I suggested that she use that time to apply for new jobs. She again said that she didn't want to leave the PD because she claims that she can manage her anxiety. When I told her that the job is affecting her heath, she said that I cannot say for sure that she will get sick again. When I asked her why she was willing to risk everything for this job, she mentioned that she likes it and that she doesn't want to betray her coworkers.

The mere suggesting that she look for another job really upsets her.

I told her that this was a very serious issue for me and she suggested therapy. She also suggested breaking up.

I don't see how she's going to change.

[Desert Fox]

She probably needs to be on anxiety medication. Zoloft and xanax do wonders. What she is experiencing is not a normal reaction. She might need meds and treatement to get back to normal.

But if she's willing to sink your relationship to defend rapists and theives then you are under no obligation to stick around.

[Anonymous User]

She probably needs to be on anxiety medication. Zoloft and xanax do wonders. What she is experiencing is not a normal reaction. She might need meds and treatement to get back to normal.

But if she's willing to sink your relationship to defend rapists and theives then you are under no obligation to stick around.

She already takes anxiety mediation. It has helped some, but the anxiety is still crippling.

[Npret]

OP here.

My fiance was released today from the hospital and we're back home.

As she's taken the next 2 weeks off from the PD, I suggested that she use that time to apply for new jobs. She again said that she didn't want to leave the PD because she claims that she can manage her anxiety. When I told her that the job is affecting her heath, she said that I cannot say for sure that she will get sick again. When I asked her why she was willing to risk everything for this job, she mentioned that she likes it and that she doesn't want to betray her coworkers.

The mere suggesting that she look for another job really upsets her.

I told her that this was a very serious issue for me and she suggested therapy. She also suggested breaking up.

I don't see how she's going to change.

Will she listen if her doctor says she has to change?

Either way OP, you can go get counseling on your own to help you decide what to do and to manage your own anxiety and stress about the relationship. I suggest that an expert can help you figure out what steps you can take and help you understand your own feelings about your relationship.

Maybe she's never going to change; maybe she will change but what you are doing now isn't working for either one of you.

It's great that she is home now and the surgery went well. Maybe don't even say more about it until you get expert advice and decide what you want to do here.

[A. Nony Mouse]

OP here.

My fiance was released today from the hospital and we're back home.

As she's taken the next 2 weeks off from the PD, I suggested that she use that time to apply for new jobs. She again said that she didn't want to leave the PD because she claims that she can manage her anxiety. When I told her that the job is affecting her heath, she said that I cannot say for sure that she will get sick again. When I asked her why she was willing to risk everything for this job, she mentioned that she likes it and that she doesn't want to betray her coworkers.

The mere suggesting that she look for another job really upsets her.

I told her that this was a very serious issue for me and she suggested therapy. She also suggested breaking up.

I don't see how she's going to change.

I'm sorry, OP.

[Desert Fox]

She probably needs to be on anxiety medication. Zoloft and xanax do wonders. What she is experiencing is not a normal reaction. She might need meds and treatement to get back to normal.

But if she's willing to sink your relationship to defend rapists and theives then you are under no obligation to stick around.

She already takes anxiety mediation. It has helped some, but the anxiety is still crippling.

There are two kinds:

acute care- stuff like xanax and other benzos that only treat the sympotoms. They don't work very long term. Really just act like a stiff drink.

longterm shit like zoloft that fixes the issue. if she isn't on something like that she should be.

[Anonymous User]

She probably needs to be on anxiety medication. Zoloft and xanax do wonders. What she is experiencing is not a normal reaction. She might need meds and treatement to get back to normal.

But if she's willing to sink your relationship to defend rapists and theives then you are under no obligation to stick around.

She already takes anxiety mediation. It has helped some, but the anxiety is still crippling.

There are two kinds:

acute care- stuff like xanax and other benzos that only treat the sympotoms. They don't work very long term. Really just act like a stiff drink.

longterm shit like zoloft that fixes the issue. if she isn't on something like that she should be.

She's currently on Zoloft. It helps some but it totally cure the anxiety.

[Mickfromgm]

If she offered a couples' counseling/therapy, you should go for it. Having an independent professional standing in the middle as a facilitator makes all the difference - s/he could set her straight or s/he could point out flaw in your perspective.

From the sound of it, she is willing (or at least is open) to breaking up with you for her job. I hate to say it but that's all you have to know. If she still feels the same way after she stabilizes mentally and you guys have been in counseling for a while, the writing is on the wall, i hope I am wrong.

[quirky]

OP here.

My fiance was released today from the hospital and we're back home.

As she's taken the next 2 weeks off from the PD, I suggested that she use that time to apply for new jobs. She again said that she didn't want to leave the PD because she claims that she can manage her anxiety. When I told her that the job is affecting her heath, she said that I cannot say for sure that she will get sick again. When I asked her why she was willing to risk everything for this job, she mentioned that she likes it and that she doesn't want to betray her coworkers.

The mere suggesting that she look for another job really upsets her.

I told her that this was a very serious issue for me and she suggested therapy. She also suggested breaking up.

I don't see how she's going to change.

I am so sorry. And to start, no one knows your relationship better than you so only you can really decide what is best for you and your relationship. That being said, your posts at the beginning of this thread gave me the impression you were, at least kind of, wanting to break up with her. If so, it is a not a good sign that you both are thinking about that as an option.

[izha]

OP here.

My fiance was released today from the hospital and we're back home.

As she's taken the next 2 weeks off from the PD, I suggested that she use that time to apply for new jobs. She again said that she didn't want to leave the PD because she claims that she can manage her anxiety. When I told her that the job is affecting her heath, she said that I cannot say for sure that she will get sick again. When I asked her why she was willing to risk everything for this job, she mentioned that she likes it and that she doesn't want to betray her coworkers.

The mere suggesting that she look for another job really upsets her.

I told her that this was a very serious issue for me and she suggested therapy. She also suggested breaking up.

I don't see how she's going to change.

I am so sorry. And to start, no one knows your relationship better than you so only you can really decide what is best for you and your relationship. That being said, your posts at the beginning of this thread gave me the impression you were, at least kind of, wanting to break up with her. If so, it is a not a good sign that you both are thinking about that as an option.

Just run. Today. She will never change.

[Anonymous User]

OP here.

After fighting all last night and this morning, she just told me via text that she'll quit her job for me.

At this point, I know what to believe. She's promised me before that she will quit, only to change her mind later. Also, she shouldn't be quitting just because I ask her. She needs to quit because her own health is at risk. The fact that she doesn't understand that this job is killing her is very troubling and upsetting.

I have no idea why she wants to become such a martyr for this job.

[lolwat]

OP here.

After fighting all last night and this morning, she just told me via text that she'll quit her job for me.

At this point, I know what to believe. She's promised me before that she will quit, only to change her mind later. Also, she shouldn't be quitting just because I ask her. She needs to quit because her own health is at risk. The fact that she doesn't understand that this job is killing her is very troubling and upsetting.

I have no idea why she wants to become such a martyr for this job.

I guess give her a chance and see what happens. 5 years of a relationship is quite a bit for anyone to just throw away. I do think some people need to step out of the shit they're in before they realize they're wrong. Just because right now she says she's quitting her job "for you" rather than understanding that it's not a good job for her mental/physical health doesn't mean she wouldn't understand later when she's somewhere else and, hopefully, better off. But if what you fear happens again, this does get to the "maybe it's better to break up" type of conversation where I would feel I'm overstepping my bounds of giving advice. Good luck.

[Npret]

OP here.

After fighting all last night and this morning, she just told me via text that she'll quit her job for me.

At this point, I know what to believe. She's promised me before that she will quit, only to change her mind later. Also, she shouldn't be quitting just because I ask her. She needs to quit because her own health is at risk. The fact that she doesn't understand that this job is killing her is very troubling and upsetting.

I have no idea why she wants to become such a martyr for this job.

I'm guessing you don't understand her "addiction" to this job. It sounds like she's just denying severity of the situation.
Don't worry about why she quits.

[bruinfan10]

Uh, yeah. That was the point. I think this discussion is distasteful and shouldn't be happening. Why would I also add in my equally unqualified opinion?

OP, I'm a biglaw associate engaged to a PD [and proceeds to give thoughts based on living through similar circumstances].

That's why OP asked for advice here Winter. Because there are people here who've gone through similar experiences. I'll refrain from explaining exactly how stupid you look right now, only because you detracted less from this thread than the TLS trumpers who literally said the solution is "wait until she has babies." i'm losing hope for this forum.

Hang in there OP, I'd definitely consider speaking with a therapist yourself to try and sort out what to do.

[Npret]

Uh, yeah. That was the point. I think this discussion is distasteful and shouldn't be happening. Why would I also add in my equally unqualified opinion?

OP, I'm a biglaw associate engaged to a PD [and proceeds to give thoughts based on living through similar circumstances].

That's why OP asked for advice here Winter. Because there are people here who've gone through similar experiences. I'll refrain from explaining exactly how stupid you look right now, only because you detracted less from this thread than the TLS trumpers who literally said the solution is "wait until she has babies." i'm losing hope for this forum.

Hang in there OP, I'd definitely consider speaking with a therapist yourself to try and sort out what to do.

I don't think anyone said "wait until she has babies." If you are referring to my post, I said maybe she will change after she has kids. That wasn't meant as any advice to wait until then. It also wasn't meant as sexist just because she's a woman. People seemed to assume those things.
They overlooked my actual advice which was:
Help her find another job, get therapy and enlist the medical doctors in helping to convince her to leave.
No one said do nothing until maybe you have a family and it's absurd to make that assumption.

The only thing that has changed the true workaholics that I've known in biglaw is having a family. A spouse alone doesn't seem to create a pressure to change.

OP doesn't think his SO is a workaholic but she is fairly obviously obsessed with her job, even if she isn't working 24/7.

[bruinfan10]

Uh, yeah. That was the point. I think this discussion is distasteful and shouldn't be happening. Why would I also add in my equally unqualified opinion?

OP, I'm a biglaw associate engaged to a PD [and proceeds to give thoughts based on living through similar circumstances].

That's why OP asked for advice here Winter. Because there are people here who've gone through similar experiences. I'll refrain from explaining exactly how stupid you look right now, only because you detracted less from this thread than the TLS trumpers who literally said the solution is "wait until she has babies." i'm losing hope for this forum.

Hang in there OP, I'd definitely consider speaking with a therapist yourself to try and sort out what to do.

I don't think anyone said "wait until she has babies." If you are referring to my post, I said maybe she will change after she has kids. That wasn't meant as any advice to wait until then. It also wasn't meant as sexist just because she's a woman. People seemed to assume those things.
They overlooked my actual advice which was:
Help her find another job, get therapy and enlist the medical doctors in helping to convince her to leave.
No one said do nothing until maybe you have a family and it's absurd to make that assumption.

The only thing that has changed the true workaholics that I've known in biglaw is having a family. A spouse alone doesn't seem to create a pressure to change.

OP doesn't think his SO is a workaholic but she is fairly obviously obsessed with her job, even if she isn't working 24/7.

if i misread that last point in your earlier posts---that in your experience with the workaholics in your life, starting a family was the only thing that managed to snap them out of it---I apologize.