Personal Statement Draft #1 (FEEDBACK PLEASE!!!) Forum

[herefor1reason]

Hello I am relatively new to the forums, just posting the first draft of my Personal Statement for some feedback. Please be as blunt as possible, this is me getting my Fall 2020 application together right now.


The turning point of my college football career came early in my junior year. At the end of the second practice we lined up to scrimmage just like any other day. Coach called eighty-seven dagger which was a pass play to me. My quarterback says hut and I took off like a rocket, swiftly moving down the field. I turn my head and the ball is right there, a bit high; so I leap for it. The safety comes out of no where and hits me like a brick wall, the last thing I remember was my helmet rolling around on the ground. I woke up in the training room, with the team doctor by my side. I had received my third concussion since my freshman year. The doctor told me it was my choice too continue my collegiate career or to hang up my cleats. As I rested in a dorm room, I realized my days of playing the game I love had come to an end.
I considered other aspects of my life where my intellect, work ethic, and determination had produced positive results. I chose to study Criminal Justice because learning about the causes of deviance, the subcultures of crime, and the process of the justice system appealed to me. Despite the exhaustion of being a full time athlete with no time for any other extra curricular activities. When my football career was over I was given the opportunity to indulge in the organizations around campus and become more involved. I was able to become President of Student Ambassadors of Juvenile Justice and Psychology, Treasurer of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity Inc., Charter Member for National Association of Blacks in Criminal Justice, whilst also being an active member of the Criminal Justice Club and Senator in the Student Government Association.
Although I may have got a late start on the academic affairs that would help me broaden my network and help me grow as a college student, I fell nothing short of great in seizing every opportunity presented to me. I was able to attend the The Southwest Association of Criminal Justice Conference, where I wrote and presented an analytical research paper on Reducing Teen Smoking by Attending to Subcultures. Also had the opportunity to attend and present at The American Society of Criminology Conference, my research paper and presentation was over Ethic Variations in Levels of Conventional Bonding of Different Black Americans in the United States based off Travis Hirsch’s conventional bonding theory. My commitment and dedication to my studies never hindered my devotion to community service and mentorship. Volunteering for programs such as Unchanging Hands where I participated in feeding the homeless of Downtown Houston Metro Area, also giving out essential necessities such as toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant and items as such.
The image of me depressed in my dorm room sometimes slips back into my thoughts as I decide where to apply to law school. Football taught me to recognize my weaknesses and look for ways to overcome them. I will enter law school a much stronger person and student because of my experiences on the football field and in the classroom. Passion, desire, and probity are the internal instincts that have brought me this far in life, and are the characteristics that I will rely on to carry me through Law School.

[mkdd90]

This reads almost EXACTLY like a sample PS I read on Chicago’s admissions site. Some of the sentences look like they’re even lifted verbatim. I’m not sure what happened here, but either way do NOT plagiarize anything on your PS! If I was able to recognize it this quickly, there’s no doubt admissions will figure it out too.

Three quick thoughts:

1) The “meat” of your PS sounds like it’s just summarizing your resume (second and third paragraphs). Let your resume list your accomplishments; focus your PS instead on one or two personal themes. Right now it sounds like “here are the things I did instead of football,” but I think it would be stronger if you framed it as “here is how the end of my football career made me a better person/candidate for law school.” Focus on the personal part.
2) I think the main theme of your college football career is solid enough. But I’m still concerned it will sound similar to that Chicago sample PS.
3) If you do stick with the football theme, you could probably use the “drop the reader in the middle of the story” opener. For example, the first sentence could be “The last thing I remember was my helmet rolling around on the ground.”

[herefor1reason]

Thank you for the feedback! I did use some lines from the Chicago sample, as I was just stuck and did not know what to say. I completely understand what you're saying about me basically summarizing my resume, as I read it again and I realized it. Im going to try to write from the angle you mentioned "here is how the end of my football career made me a better person/candidate for law school.” To be quite frank I don't really know what to say, not that I don't know what to say about myself, but I am more so confused about what exactly I should make my personal statement about. I read examples, and some people summarize their life, while some people summarize a particular event that made them who they are. Guess you could say I'm just unsure. Again, thanks for the feedback!

I will upload Draft #2 to this thread.

[Llliooiuuj]

I’m floored. Why on earth would you think it’s okay to take lines from someone else’s PUBLISHED work? That’s literally plagiarism, are you planning on editing that out or

[Bonzeye]

I want you to apply to Chicago with the plagiarized sentences left as they are and see what happens.