Just Another Personal Statement Review Request

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
lawschool431247

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Just Another Personal Statement Review Request

Postby lawschool431247 » Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:45 pm

Hi everyone! Please review if you don't mind (I'm sure these may be annoying, but I'm desperate for advice). :)


I obtained mediation skills at an early age. My mother was constantly fighting a vicious enemy; alcohol. I constantly worked to resolve her addiction. She was analogous to a ghost, constantly staggering around the house at all hours of the night, moaning and stuttering phrases that were so incoherent that her inebriation introduced a new dialect. When I enrolled in school, my mother would often be so intoxicated that she could not drive, resulting in multiple unexcused absences. These absences would often put me at risk for falling behind as well as having to repeat a grade. This was especially difficult, because it occurred during my developmental years as an adolescent. She was the alcoholic, but the disease of alcoholism was shared in both of us.

When writing this personal statement, I was given advice to write about my identity, being a child of an addict has become intrinsic to my identity. I would be fearful of what disposition my mother would be in. I became a servant to her alcoholism, I would cook, clean, and pay bills. I learned the cure for a hangover before I learned how to read. My evolution from infant to adult is characterized upon milestones that occurred while my parent was a dipsomaniac. I would attempt to consume myself in activities, whether it be reading, debate team, and/or working. My mother’s alcoholism is what gave me the idea to become an attorney.

I discovered my talent for reading and public speaking when I joined my high school debate team. I would often postpone going home by consuming myself in briefs and cases for upcoming debate meets. My mother’s alcoholism gave me the dedication and work ethic that allowed me to become a debate state finalist every year of high school. The day I turned sixteen, I started working at Payless, I would work 30-hour weeks while attending high school. My mother’s alcoholism allowed me to have a strong attention to detail as well as interpersonal skills. These skills enabled me to lead the entire chain of Payless in sales.

I entered my senior year of high school with the idea of leaving my hometown and never returning. I applied to universities all over the United States, until my mother pleaded with me to stay at home and take care of her. I entered college with baggage, referring to a 30-minute commute and my mother’s alcoholism. My first three years of college were difficult, my mother was in and out of hospitals and treatment facilities, refusing to acknowledge that she needed help until she was on the brink of her own demise. She was unresponsive during my first semester of finals week, resulting in a severe hospitalization and an unfocused test-taker.

I received my first taste of law when I started working for a civil litigation law firm in early 2016. I started as an entry level file clerk, moving up to a legal assistant, this is where I discovered my true passion. I was often tasked with drafting discovery and correspondence, this allowed me to create and form new arguments. I also became specialized in legal research, helping the attorneys locate laws and statutes that pertained to our cases. My mother’s alcoholism trained me to investigate and not accept things at face-value which allowed me to excel at my job.
I have been constantly fighting my mother’s addiction for over 20 years. I have had to mediate with the most difficult type of person; a drunk. Being an attorney would allow me to dedicate my time and work ethic to something that truly matters to me, helping people resolve their conflicts and grow to become a better person, just as I have done.

My mother finally became clean in March of 2018, ironically on my 21st birthday. I am proud to be the daughter of an alcoholic mother. Alcoholism has allowed me to discover my true self. I have uncovered passions for service and knowledge. Without my mom and her addiction, I would not be who I am today. This sentiment equates to my mother receiving the highest measure of gratitude.

kellyjohnson

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Re: Just Another Personal Statement Review Request

Postby kellyjohnson » Mon Jul 09, 2018 9:19 am

Here's a rough edit of your rough draft.

Major notes: I rearranged it. You want your first line to grab the reader's attention, so I put the most interesting line you had first ("I obtained mediation skills" doesnt exactly grab a readers attention). I also limited the talk of your mother's alcoholism to the first and last paragraphs (so the theme 'embraces' the essay), and the rest is about you (of course with some mentions of how her disease impacted you). I also tried to add some more introspective stuff (see paragraph about you not wanting to leave your mother to go to college... you kind of had this in there before, about how it impacted your identity, but it was spread around the essay).

Some other things: Sentences like "My mother's alcoholism taught me to be dedicated and hard working" dont tell us much unless you tell us why or how. I think you were getting there, but didnt quite crystallize it. Also, you use the conditional tense a lot when you are writing in the past tense-- for example, "As a child, I would cook, clean, and pay bills." You should just use past tense -- "As a child, I cooked, cleaned, and paid bills."
-----------------------------

I learned the cure for a hangover before I learned how to read. My mother was an alcoholic, but the disease of alcoholism was shared in both of us. When I enrolled in school, my mother would often be so intoxicated that she could not drive, resulting in multiple unexcused absences that put me at risk for being held back. I became a servant to her alcoholism: I cooked, cleaned, paid bills, and prepared her hangover cures, hoping that if only she could get better this one time then maybe she could resolve her addiction for good.

As I entered adolescence, I started searching for an escape. I would consume myself in activities including reading, working, and participating in extra-cirricular activities. Particularly, I discovered my talent for critical reading and public speaking when I joined my high school debate team. I would often postpone returning to the chaos of home life by consuming myself in briefs and cases for upcoming debates. In this way, it was my mother’s disease that gave me the dedication and work ethic that enabled me to become a debate state finalist every year of high school. These successes on the debate team are what first led me to consider becoming an attorney.

The day I turned sixteen, I started working at Payless. I worked 30-hour weeks while attending high school. Due to my childhood, I was used to interacting one-on-one with adults (since my mother was often absent), to handling finances, and to recognizing emotional cues. These abilities manifested themselves in strong interpersonal skills and an attention to detail that served me quite well in my professional career. Even as a teenager, I led the entire chain of Payless in sales.

Ironically, when I finally had to chance to truly escape, I found myself unable to do it. My senior year of high school, I was accepted in universities all over the United States. I saw this as an opportunity to start anew, to leave the chaos of my family behind me. That is, until my mother pleaded with me to stay at home and take care of her. The truth is, I was also scared of leaving; being a child of an addict had become intrinsic to my identity. I didn't know who would I be if I left. Somewhere in me, I realized that no matter how far away I moved, I could never unburden myself of my own upbringing.

I entered college with baggage, referring to a 30-minute commute between my university and my mother’s alcoholism. My first three years of college were difficult-- my mother was in and out of hospitals and treatment facilities, refusing to acknowledge that she needed help until she was on the brink of her own demise. She was unresponsive during my first semester of finals week, resulting in severe hospitalization for her and a series of distracted tests for me.

After receiving my degree (or was it During your time as an undergraduate?), I started working for a civil litigation law firm. I started as an entry level file clerk and eventually moved up to a position as a legal assistant. I was often tasked with drafting discovery and correspondence, tasks which allowed me to create and form new arguments as I had done years earlier on the debate team. I also became specialized in legal research, helping the attorneys locate laws and statutes that pertained to our cases. Just as my upbringing helped me excel in retail sales during high school, at the law firm I discovered that my upbringing had also taught me to not accept things at face-value, because there are always important facts behind a situation that may lie deeper than they appear.

My mother finally became clean in March of 2018, ironically on my 21st birthday. Though growing up I thought I would never say it, I am proud to be the daughter of an alcoholic mother. I fought my mother’s addiction for over 20 years. I had to mediate with the most difficult type of person; a drunk. I had to resolve my conflicts and grow to become a better person. Alcoholism allowed me to discover my true self, from which I uncovered passions for service and knowledge that have led me to pursue a career in law.

Throwaway23245

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Re: Just Another Personal Statement Review Request

Postby Throwaway23245 » Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:11 pm

Two aspirin, a cup of coffee and plenty of rest. That's how you cure a hangover. As for reading, well, I would have to learn that later.



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