Personal statement advice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
endersdragon
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:45 pm

Personal statement advice

Postby endersdragon » Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:53 pm

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Last edited by endersdragon on Fri Jan 26, 2018 3:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

DrGlennRichie
Posts: 171
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Personal statement advice

Postby DrGlennRichie » Fri Jan 26, 2018 2:06 am

This is pretty bad and needs to we re-written completely. Sorry for being so blunt, but after suffering that I endure reading this stuff, I feel like I have a right to tell you what it is without sugarcoating.

First, your saying that people like you dont go to this field is rather obnoxious. You repeat this in the end as well. In the begining I was very confused why you were doing that, and only in the end got your idea. "Hey peeps. I was told I have to be unique. Well, I researched, I am". Its up to the Committee to decide whether you are unique and to what degree.

Second, your academic struggles belong to some sort of addendum at best, to explain low GPA. That info doesnt belong here. And you dont even do a good job at explaining low GPA.

Third, you come across as very arrogant. I mean when you were berating disabilities office for offering you something that you didn't need. You also complain a lot.

Fourth, a lot of stuff is just plain weird. Why did you describe that you had problems finding a job and only got it through a friend, and didnt succeed?

Lost my count but anyway, lets continue. "Sometimes I would tell my story even if that was not what I was there for." - this was pure gold. Seriously, but by this point I was asking myself "Why he is telling me this weird story. PS is not for this kind of stuff. He is not here for this".

Lastly, or may be not lastly. You repeated "to make sure to alleviate these struggles as much as possible for future generations." as " the desire to continue to alleviate the struggles of future generations." At least be consistent. Is it "for future generations" or "of".

Close to lastly. I mean, you were trying to convince me that you helped a lot of people through your work in education. I feel like you should continue there.

Almost there. "While we might not be what most think of when they think of lawyers, I know there is a lot of room for us in the legal profession." - you cannot say stuff like that. You are already accusing reader of having prejudice and kinda complain about that. And you elaborate on that with "I feel that this is an area that people on the spectrum could be quite successful in due to our logical, detail oriented minds, yet there are few stories out there of lawyers on the spectrum.". "Lawyers on the spectrum". Should be a punk band name. I am not even going to touch the blazing of the trail.

And now lastly. Overall it is a very difficult read. I took like 3 or 4 breaks. I had to motivate myself "You can do this. Go back and finish it. You can do this".




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