Grade: B-
There's a lot of potential here, but it's too long. The good news is that you can cut it down to size very easily.
You have the seeds of a fantastic PS here. The parts touching on your personal experience of living with your sexual orientation inside the tribal culture are incredibly compelling. The parts waxing poetic about Aristotle are... not. I know that it might be uncomfortable to delve too deep into the personal aspects of this essay, but that's where the real gold is. If you can drop the overly academic language and just write from the heart about your youth, I think this could be absolutely phenomenal. But in its current state, you give way too much service to academic concepts and things that we can learn from your resume.
The personal statement is just that: personal. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and messy.
Update - 5th Draft Personal Statement - Native American Applicant Forum
- cavalier1138
- Posts: 8007
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- oshberg28
- Posts: 201
- Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:24 pm
Re: Personal Statement - Gay Native American - Environmental Law
Yep, what cavalier said. Admissions officers aren't looking for an academic piece or how smart you can sound; sure, they like pieces that are well written, but they really want to learn something about yourself that they won't learn from the resume. You want them to remember your story, and sounding academic will cause them to gloss over the PS. In a way, write the PS as if you are writing in a personal journal.
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Re: Personal Statement - Gay Native American - Environmental Law
Thanks for the input. Great advice from both of you!
I will start revisions by:
[*]Cutting the entire senior thesis paragraph.
[*]Dropping the overly academic tone you both picked up on.
From there I can highlight the more compelling sections.
I will start revisions by:
[*]Cutting the entire senior thesis paragraph.
[*]Dropping the overly academic tone you both picked up on.
From there I can highlight the more compelling sections.
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- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:43 pm
Re: Personal Statement - Gay Native American - Environmental Law
Updated my personal Statement
The edit cuts down on any academic talk not directly related to my cultural background and ethical perspectives. Elaborated on my leadership role to demonstrate, rather than talk about, my goals and ideals as a leader. Also, cut the statement down from 850 words to 699 words.
Please let me know which areas are strong and which are still weak. Constructive Criticism (and TLS-format grade) would be greatly appreciated!
The edit cuts down on any academic talk not directly related to my cultural background and ethical perspectives. Elaborated on my leadership role to demonstrate, rather than talk about, my goals and ideals as a leader. Also, cut the statement down from 850 words to 699 words.
Please let me know which areas are strong and which are still weak. Constructive Criticism (and TLS-format grade) would be greatly appreciated!
- cavalier1138
- Posts: 8007
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:01 pm
Re: Personal Statement - Gay Native American - Environmental Law
Better, but not there yet. You're at a solid B.
Still avoid the overly academic language. It's not about avoiding big words. I love the poetic images of the "drumbeat" of your father's hands, but phrases like "punitive spectacles" just don't ring true. You're a good enough writer that I can tell when you're slipping out of your authentic voice and into the voice you believe an adcomm wants to hear. Fight that instinct and stick with your words, even if they don't sound as "smart" as you might think they need to.
On a similar note, the bit about taking a more active role in student governance and the environmental law bit feel very out of place. I don't think you need those paragraphs here at all, and I think they take the reader out of the original focus of the piece. Don't be afraid to just let this personal statement be personal; you can explain your interest in a specific legal field in your Why X essay, or in a separate addendum.
Still avoid the overly academic language. It's not about avoiding big words. I love the poetic images of the "drumbeat" of your father's hands, but phrases like "punitive spectacles" just don't ring true. You're a good enough writer that I can tell when you're slipping out of your authentic voice and into the voice you believe an adcomm wants to hear. Fight that instinct and stick with your words, even if they don't sound as "smart" as you might think they need to.
On a similar note, the bit about taking a more active role in student governance and the environmental law bit feel very out of place. I don't think you need those paragraphs here at all, and I think they take the reader out of the original focus of the piece. Don't be afraid to just let this personal statement be personal; you can explain your interest in a specific legal field in your Why X essay, or in a separate addendum.
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- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:43 pm
Re: Update - 5th Draft Personal Statement - Native American Applicant
Updated my draft in the first post.
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