Personal Statement Thoughts??

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Personal Statement Thoughts??

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:26 pm

Hi all,

I am in the process of drafting my PS. This is only a draft. I have more I want to add, but I want to know if this is a good start. I plan to transition into why I would be a great candidate because of grit, perseverance, etc. I also want to add a few other experiences showing that I am a person who can undergo a lot of stress and still come out on top.

This is a draft, so I understand some of the sentences may be choppy. I am hoping to hear if you all think this sounds interesting. Does my story catch your attention?

Thank you!!


The backcountry is treacherous. I have come face to face with bears, sunk in quicksand, and experienced severe dehydration. The most arduous of these experiences being that up the Hawaiian volcano, Mauna Loa.

A thick cloud of grey and mist enveloped the volcano on our first morning. We waited by the backcountry station for our coordinated ride to drive us up the twelve-mile road to the trailhead. Our ride never showed up. We began walking.

Upon completing 20 miles and 3,000 vertical elevation in the first day, we came upon the cabin where we would be sleeping. Inside the cabin was another backpacker who ran out of water on his hike to the second cabin. The only water source on the volcano comes from cisterns on the roof of each cabin. After becoming victim to severe dehydration and losing his bearings, he made it back to the first cabin with little time to spare. He spent the next 24 hours rehydrating and battling grueling nausea. To say the least, I was intimidated.

The next day I felt the impact of the hike. I stumbled up and down lava rock for 12 hours. The elevation was creeping – 10,000 feet, 11,000 feet, 12,000 feet. At this elevation, we were above the cloud line. The excruciating exposure to the sun left me in a daze.

Thirty miles uphill went by. My feet ached, my backpack was heavy, and I was exhausted.

I questioned my decision to make this hike. The severity of the elements coupled with the ruptured landscape challenged me physically and emotionally. My backpack became a burden, something I never felt before. Hiking from sun up until sun down in fear of not making it to the next cabin weighed heavy. We needed water and shelter at the second cabin. The only option was to keep moving.

Finally, with the sun setting in this distance, we staggered to the second cabin. This cabin sat at the summit of the volcano. Drained and exhausted, the only energy I could muster was to star gaze.

The vast sky stretched out above me with the blackness of the ocean being its only limitation. Arms of the Milky Way spiraled like blazing ribbons. Shooting stars illuminated the sky, the tails of them like rockets firing in the distance.

I remember thinking "Ad Astra per Aspera" or "To the Stars through Difficulties". The grandness of the hike revealed itself.

Much like the rigorous hike up Mauna Loa, I have faced trials and tribulations in life that should have made me turn around.........

cavalier1138

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Re: Personal Statement Thoughts??

Postby cavalier1138 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 1:16 pm

It's really rough right now, but I think the hike can be your topic. Just cool it with the unnecessary Latin and focus on your personal experience of getting to the summit.

Also, avoid the "Much like this hike, I have faced other stuff," ending. Your readers aren't idiots; we can figure out the overcoming obstacles message without you spelling it out.

ekdonn

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Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:19 pm

Re: Personal Statement Thoughts??

Postby ekdonn » Tue Dec 12, 2017 1:35 pm

cavalier1138 wrote:It's really rough right now, but I think the hike can be your topic. Just cool it with the unnecessary Latin and focus on your personal experience of getting to the summit.

Also, avoid the "Much like this hike, I have faced other stuff," ending. Your readers aren't idiots; we can figure out the overcoming obstacles message without you spelling it out.


Thank you for the feedback! The Latin is gone :lol:



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