Yale 250 Draft Forum

[Anonymous User]

I would appreciate any feedback on my Yale 250. This is my first-draft, and I could really use feed back on the tone/style of the writing. My personal statement is a pretty sobering piece, so I'm trying to inject a little energy into my application.

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Riding a motorcycle (successfully) is all about balance. To start moving you need to balance the release of the clutch with the twist of the throttle; too little clutch and you’ll stall the bike; too much throttle and you’ll wheelie. To keep your balance (stay moving) you need help from the gyroscopic force, which means you need to sustain the right amount of speed; too little speed and you’ll topple over; too much speed and you’ll never be able to turn the bike into a corner. To stop moving you need to apply the front and rear brakes in harmony; too much front brake and you’ll flip over the handle bars; too much rear brake and the bike will fishtail (what we motorcyclists colloquially call a “tank slapper” –they’re terrifying).

As a motorcyclist I appreciate the fine-art of balance. As an individual in a world of ever increasing professional, personal, and social demands, I appreciate balance even more. I am a dedicated working professional unafraid of nights and weekends, but I am also a motorcycle-enthusiast who understands there are only so many beautiful summer days to go for a ride. While I’d love to be able to attend every happy hour, family reunion and social soirée, I am also an introvert who requires personal time with a good book to recharge. Life, like riding a motorcycle, is all about balance: to stay on your feet you need to balance all the little details that make you whole.

[Delano]

This is fairly well-written, but my objection is that this is just a really uninteresting topic. You can write the 250 about literally anything you want. If you want to inject positivity into your application, something tastefully humorous, interesting facts about something you know a lot about, etc. would go further than this, imo. You want to leave the reader with something, and this doesn't really do it.

[virginia_direwoolf]

This is fairly well-written, but my objection is that this is just a really uninteresting topic. You can write the 250 about literally anything you want. If you want to inject positivity into your application, something tastefully humorous, interesting facts about something you know a lot about, etc. would go further than this, imo. You want to leave the reader with something, and this doesn't really do it.

I was going to leave a longer comment but Delano basically said everything I was thinking. The balance metaphor feels overworked and balancing different parts of your life is something everyone has to do; just doesn't feel unique.