First Draft. Please Help. Forum

[NavyNuke]

Thanks for the help!

[Deserving Porcupine]

The last paragraph seems pretty solid, but the bulk of the essay is not about you, it's about a sub. It's not even a particularly eventful episode, just successful testing. Perhaps you can find some anecdote from your service where you are the main protagonist?

[UVA2B]

I really enjoyed this PS up until the last sentence, which while not grammatically incorrect, just had too many clauses and meandered through your final thought. Everything about your statement to this point was eloquent and interesting, but I would consider either eliminating a few of the clauses in your concluding sentence or find a way to break it up.

Otherwise a really solid first effort that can be built upon.

This is the most minor of critiques, and probably entirely a preference thing, but I did wonder fleetingly whether you should be injected more into the early paragraphs as it's entirely about the crew going out to sea trials. If you could find a way to put yourself more into the beginning paragraphs and your experiences in going out to sea trials could possibly punch it up more than this ship, shipmate, self type of narrative. Did you mean the anecdote about the crew being invigorated about taking the sub out to sea as an analogy to your personal feelings in the moment? That could possibly get to someone, but I'm not really sure it's anything more than a preference thing.

Regardless, solid, solid first effort.

[NavyNuke]

.

[MediocreAtBest]

An issue I have with my PS that I kind of see in yours is that I describe an event I went through, but don't do much to describe myself or give a sense of who I am. Our personal statements aren't "personal" enough. Also - perhaps because I'm from the area - I thought you might have possibly been a shipyard employee who built the sub (i forgot your name had Navy in it lol). So I guess the main critique for me is that you aren't really selling yourself as well as you could be.

[zkyggi]

Removed post...