Law School PS first draft. I would appreciate any feedback Forum

[Cmoney $$]

Admittedly, I am not very strong at creative writing. 10 years in the Army has conditioned me to our very technical and concise writing style. I feel like I am all over the place, and that I may not go far enough to explain my desire to attend law school. It seems difficult to describe my experiences and describe why I want to go to law school (what area I would like to practice in, as of now is health law) in only 2 double spaced pages. Please provide feedback.

[Pozzo]

I think this is a pretty good start. Military service has provided you with some experiences that will allow you to distinguish yourself from other applicants, and I think you do a good job bringing some of that to bear in your PS.

A few comments for improvement: The philosophical ruminations in the first paragraph seem a bit out of place and it forces you into some weird tense issues there. I'd reconsider the way you show that your enlistment was a product of necessity. I think the parts where you're describing your service to be very engaging. The paragraph about why you're interested in law school seems a bit out of place. On top of that, I think adcomms look suspiciously on people who attempt to get too technical with the way they describe their pre-LS experience with the law. I think you can still allude to the way you were exposed to the legal process, but tie it in a little better to what comes before and after. The next paragraph, though, brings things back together more. You show that you persevered through difficult circumstances and were successful despite them.

All in all, I think you can do a bit more to draw together your first descriptions of joining the service with your experience as a single father and student to really tell the adcomm something about yourself and show that you will be an asset to their school. But I definitely think this is the start of what could be a very strong PS.

[Cmoney $$]

Thank you very much. I definitely see the deficiencies you noted. I also feel like the last paragraph is very weak and needs some work to really strengthen everything.

The hardest part is telling "why law school" and "why law school x." Do you think that a good enough reason is that I like Arizona and plan to live there when I leave Active Duty next fall? The only close to T14 school I intend to apply for is Georgetown. After that, I'm looking at either of the AZ schools. Though ASU is preferable to U of A because of Tucson... I guess it's all riding on what results I get from the June Lsat; and perhaps this personal statement.

[Pozzo]

I wouldn't worry about the "Why X" in a personal statement. If you want to write one, do a separate essay. I know at least ASU welcomes them. In terms of your rationale, wanting to live in AZ is a good enough reason for you personally to go to one of the AZ schools, but if you decide to write a why x, I'd put a bit more meat on it. Talk about the strengths of the program, what draws you to it, why you'd be a good fit to that particular school, etc. But don't waste space in your PS doing that. Use your PS to maximize what you can tell them about yourself.