Personal Statement Draft Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thank you all for the feedback. I will rework it.

[lymenheimer]

There is way too much passive voice.

[cavalier1138]

This is scattered. I think you could probably do the whole thing about the bike race and connecting it to your academic struggles. I found that part much more engaging than the rest of it.

In general, avoid rehashing your resume. We don't have it here, but the adcomms will be able to see all the accomplishments you list, and there's very little point in restating those achievements in the PS. Focus, make it personal, and don't worry about trying to sum up your entire life in a few paragraphs.

[NotAGolfer]

At a minimum, I would take out the paragraph talking about your high school accomplishments. I don't think it adds value and isn't written very well. If you want to talk about your home life during high school in a DS, I think that would be more appropriate. I agree with cavalier that you need a more focused topic/storyline.