Critique me please! Forum

[blacmomba]

I feel like a lot can be trimmed out. Just don't know where yet...

“No! I won't leave! You can’t make me!” I quickly glanced around, taking in the glistening snowflakes that slowly started to fall on this early Sunday morning. “Get in the car xxx, we have a long way to go.” I begrudgingly scuffled into the van next to my sisters as my mother shut the door and got in. As I looked out the flurry-filled window, I was distraught for what the next five days would entail. As someone who was constantly moving, I never had the chance to get comfortable in a new area. My parents are first generation immigrants from Ghana, West Africa and due to civil unrest in the country, they were constantly being displaced. They had lived in Ghana, Liberia, and even Togo before my mother was able to get her residency and finally escape with my father and two sisters to Canada. I was later born in Toronto and my family resided there for the next couple years before my mother become a certified medical doctor and my father a civil engineer. Years later my parents both obtained jobs in Florida and instead of flying, they decided to drive.

We spent the next five days driving through various states while my parents would find various ways to keep us busy. They would tell us about their childhoods and how they grew up. My mother was born into a family of lawyers and doctors that drove BMW’s in the heart of Accra, while my father lived in the slums and did not own a pair of shoes till he was twelve. They eventually met, fell in love and got married; it was a classic case of the princess and the pauper. They decided they wanted the best life they could create for their children and that is why they moved to Canada and subsequently to America.

My parents would always tell me, “be the very best version of yourself you can be.” Whenever people doubted me or whenever I was discouraged I would always recall those words. When I arrived at xxx University, I sought different ways to honor that request. I found that through the various activities and organizations I was a part of, I was able to do just that. I had the opportunity to volunteer at children’s hospitals while playing division 1 football, became certified and taught English to classes of foreign children with various international non-profit organizations, fostered relationships between foreign nationals and students as an immigration services assistant, was elected to the executive board in my fraternity by over 100 peers and was nominated for the xxx University Global Citizen of The Year award all while working 20-40 hours a week.

There were many times when I felt as though I wanted to give up and just step away from everything but thanks to the encouragement provided by my family, specifically my late Grandmother I pulled through and persevered. In order for people to better society, they must in turn better themselves. By traveling, teaching, and working I have been able to bond with various people of different cultures and do just that.

My studies of global competency, familiarity with immigration regulations and my interest in applying it towards human and civil rights drive me. No one should be denied their rights and liberties. Without these rights given to us, my parents would not have been able to immigrate to the states and allow my sisters and I to have the life we have had so far. My intent is to obtain a dual degree, join the Foreign Service, become a specialized officer aiding in various peacekeeping missions domestically or abroad and eventually move on to working for the International Criminal Courts or the United Nations. As a recently naturalized US citizen, I have a deep level of admiration towards my country and its core democratic values and am prepared to serve as such. As a law student, I look forward to sharing my experiences with my classmates and to becoming a part of the _______’s next class of law.

[sethnoorzad]

Hm, well you've got a lot of threads in here going various places: you've got the story of your parents woven into the drive you took from Canada to Florida, your parents' admonition to be the best you can be, your accomplishments, and then your desire to work for civil rights that is inspired by your ties to Ghana.

I think that your ties to Ghana and the motivation it instills in you to pursue a certain career is the most powerful. I would bring that out more. There's a story of your heritage and your career aspirations in there.

I would avoid devoting a whole paragraph to the story of your parents. It's not your parents the adcomms are interested in, but you. Write about them in such a way as to shed light on who you are. Right now it doesn't have enough of an impact.

GL

[DrGlennRichie]

I like this PS. I see a very positive person, who uses every opportunity given, deeply appreciates those opportunities, and naturally extends helping hand when needed. It feels very genuine.


I dont feel like anything should be cut, as the flow is nice. Wasn't bored while reading it and all parts seem relevant. Unless it doesn't fit requirements.

[blacmomba]

Hm, well you've got a lot of threads in here going various places: you've got the story of your parents woven into the drive you took from Canada to Florida, your parents' admonition to be the best you can be, your accomplishments, and then your desire to work for civil rights that is inspired by your ties to Ghana.

I think that your ties to Ghana and the motivation it instills in you to pursue a certain career is the most powerful. I would bring that out more. There's a story of your heritage and your career aspirations in there.

I would avoid devoting a whole paragraph to the story of your parents. It's not your parents the adcomms are interested in, but you. Write about them in such a way as to shed light on who you are. Right now it doesn't have enough of an impact.

GL

Thank you! that's what I was thinking. I feel like their story impacts mine but maybe I put a bit too much in there. I'm going to try and condense it a bit more.

[blacmomba]

I like this PS. I see a very positive person, who uses every opportunity given, deeply appreciates those opportunities, and naturally extends helping hand when needed. It feels very genuine.


I dont feel like anything should be cut, as the flow is nice. Wasn't bored while reading it and all parts seem relevant. Unless it doesn't fit requirements.

Thank you! I'm going to analyze it a bit more and see if there was any filler.