Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Khalid1994aziz
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2017 6:27 pm

Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Khalid1994aziz » Mon Jan 09, 2017 6:56 pm

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Last edited by Khalid1994aziz on Thu Jan 12, 2017 9:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Lincoln
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Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Lincoln » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:08 pm

You should change your username if it's reflective of your actual name. Also, I would take this down and instead PM to people who offer to read it (which I'm happy to do). As it is, a quick search of your first and last name and a few words from your PM would lead this post to pop up.

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arroznueve
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Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby arroznueve » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:17 pm

Overuse of the phrase "weight behind my voice" and variations thereof. The final two sentences of the first paragraph are super repetitive to earlier sentences, except saying, "Lots of people did this," instead of, "This one guy did this."

I'd like to see something a little more powerful at the end, too. "[T]he change I would like to see in the world" is just kind of generic and cliché, and you seem to hint at a story that's not not generic or cliché. So, I'd be disappointed if your PS culminated with the kind of phrase a white 22-year-old who never volunteered outside of required community service for their fraternity would write in an "I want to do public interest because I like to help people" statement.

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Mr. Archer
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Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Mr. Archer » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:24 pm

arroznueve wrote: a white 22-year-old who never volunteered outside of required community service for their fraternity would write in an "I want to do public interest because I like to help people" statement.


Great example, douche. No reason for the person in that example to be white. Also, there's nothing wrong with someone who has done community service to talk about wanting to help people. You have issues.

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arroznueve
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Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby arroznueve » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:29 pm

Mr. Archer wrote:
arroznueve wrote: a white 22-year-old who never volunteered outside of required community service for their fraternity would write in an "I want to do public interest because I like to help people" statement.


Great example, douche. No reason for the person in that example to be white. Also, there's nothing wrong with someone who has done community service to talk about wanting to help people. You have issues.


I'm sorry my words hit too close to home for you.

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Mr. Archer
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Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Mr. Archer » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:35 pm

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Last edited by Mr. Archer on Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr. Archer
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Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Mr. Archer » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:41 pm

arroznueve wrote:
Mr. Archer wrote:
arroznueve wrote: a white 22-year-old who never volunteered outside of required community service for their fraternity would write in an "I want to do public interest because I like to help people" statement.


Great example, douche. No reason for the person in that example to be white. Also, there's nothing wrong with someone who has done community service to talk about wanting to help people. You have issues.


I'm sorry my words hit too close to home for you.


Didn't hit close to home. Just pointing out that your example wasn't good for the reasons that I stated, which are true.

Khalid1994aziz
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Khalid1994aziz » Mon Jan 09, 2017 8:41 pm

arroznueve wrote:Overuse of the phrase "weight behind my voice" and variations thereof. The final two sentences of the first paragraph are super repetitive to earlier sentences, except saying, "Lots of people did this," instead of, "This one guy did this."

I'd like to see something a little more powerful at the end, too. "[T]he change I would like to see in the world" is just kind of generic and cliché, and you seem to hint at a story that's not not generic or cliché. So, I'd be disappointed if your PS culminated with the kind of phrase a white 22-year-old who never volunteered outside of required community service for their fraternity would write in an "I want to do public interest because I like to help people" statement.


You're absolutely right. The theme i was shooting for, is that through law school, i could add some sort of "weight" (for lack of a better word) behind my voice. I'm not really sure how else to phrase that, but you are correct, i put way too many variations of that.

And as far as the conclusion, as cliche as it is, it's actually how i feel. but, again, you are right, and I need to figure out a better way to formulate that sentiment. thanks a lot for your feedback, I really do appreciate it!

Khalid1994aziz
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Khalid1994aziz » Mon Jan 09, 2017 8:47 pm

...
Last edited by Khalid1994aziz on Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr. Archer
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Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Mr. Archer » Mon Jan 09, 2017 8:57 pm

d
Last edited by Mr. Archer on Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Khalid1994aziz
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Khalid1994aziz » Mon Jan 09, 2017 9:05 pm

Mr. Archer wrote:
Khalid1994aziz wrote:
Mr. Archer wrote:
Khalid1994aziz wrote: i'll try and incorporate the changes you mentioned, and maybe send it back to you for a second look-through, if you wouldn't mind? I really do appreciate you taking the time to help me out and comment on this.


Yeah, you can send it to me. The voter outreach could fit, but you just have to stay away from reciting your resume'. I just think you could expand on your background living between the U.S. and Afghanistan and the ACLU work a little more. That makes the other job unnecessary.


Hey thanks a lot! the "no holds barred" critique is exactly what I was looking for. I'll pm you tonight when I finish editing

Khalid1994aziz
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Khalid1994aziz » Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:43 am

Khalid1994aziz wrote:
Mr. Archer wrote:
Khalid1994aziz wrote:
Mr. Archer wrote:
Khalid1994aziz wrote: i'll try and incorporate the changes you mentioned, and maybe send it back to you for a second look-through, if you wouldn't mind? I really do appreciate you taking the time to help me out and comment on this.


Yeah, you can send it to me. The voter outreach could fit, but you just have to stay away from reciting your resume'. I just think you could expand on your background living between the U.S. and Afghanistan and the ACLU work a little more. That makes the other job unnecessary.


Hey thanks a lot! the "no holds barred" critique is exactly what I was looking for. I'll pm you tonight when I finish editing


did exactly as you said, and i just pm'd you! thanks a lot kind sir, you are all kinds of awesome!

jsandhu3
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:12 am

Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby jsandhu3 » Thu Jan 12, 2017 1:37 am

Yo friend. I feel like our personal statements are similar. If you want to exchange, email me: sandhujasmine@live.com ...I really like your personal statement, but I could give you some detailed feedback through email. :) if you don't want to exchange, I can still look over yours. Just sent it to me in a word document to my email. :)

Khalid1994aziz
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2017 6:27 pm

Re: Anyone interested in giving my PS a look through? I'd be more than happy to reciprocate.

Postby Khalid1994aziz » Thu Jan 12, 2017 8:26 pm

jsandhu3 wrote:Yo friend. I feel like our personal statements are similar. If you want to exchange, email me: sandhujasmine@live.com ...I really like your personal statement, but I could give you some detailed feedback through email. :) if you don't want to exchange, I can still look over yours. Just sent it to me in a word document to my email. :)


Hi friend, I'd be more than happy to help you out as best I can! I'll send you an email with my latest version right now!




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