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Personal Statement for review - Please feel free to comment with any constructive criticism

Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2017 2:54 am
by Hi-So - ArshavinFan
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Re: Personal Statement for review - Please feel free to comment with any constructive criticism

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:25 am
by vmxnn
Correct me if im wrong. This is just a compilation of your experiences. Plus, I thought it is a sensitive topic, isn't it?

Re: Personal Statement for review - Please feel free to comment with any constructive criticism

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:53 am
by dsthrawy1
This doesn't really work as a personal statement. Very little of it lets me know about who you are as a person. If there is a specific instance you felt you were discriminated against (like the moment with the acedemic adviser... I am assuming you are a "person of color", although it is hard to tell) and then repurpose your last paragraph to say why this compelled you to pursue the law that could potentially work. A lot of the material runs close to being a diversity statement tho, so that is something you want to be careful of if your also submitting one of those. Otherwise, I would consider choosing a different topic. Just remember to keep the focus on yourself or something that shaped you as a person.

Re: Personal Statement for review - Please feel free to comment with any constructive criticism

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 1:35 pm
by mjb447
I agree with most of the comments already made, although I don't think it's necessarily problematic to write about a controversial or sensitive subject. Also, a lot of the sentences are very long and difficult to parse, and some of them could be omitted entirely. See, e.g., "...I was able to graduate with a degree in Economics while participating in a various medley of experiences of such that without certain faculty, I would have been unaware of to this day." (The opening paragraph, which should usually be attention grabbing, lay out a road map for your PS, or both, is quite weak.)

Re: Personal Statement for review - Please feel free to comment with any constructive criticism

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 5:44 pm
by sethnoorzad
This seems like a first draft. You're getting your ideas on paper so that you can shape them into something more polished and probably shorter. You talk about facing underhanded discrimination in the academic advising office. You could talk about overcoming the "negative feedback cycle" and your academic success despite that challenge. Frame your academic career as a success, while also acknowledging the challenges along the way. This is a good start. The next step is to look at your own writing and distill the most interesting and essential points, come up with other details as they seem important. Then rewrite. With every rewrite you should aim to make your statement shorter, clearer, more polished etc.

Just some ideas. GL.

Re: Personal Statement for review - Please feel free to comment with any constructive criticism

Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 6:08 pm
by DrGlennRichie
While it is sad that such evens happened, PS needs to be re-written:

1. First two paragraphs need to go

2. Try to avoid saying anything bad about your college, even if it did you bad. Try to explain situation in a different view.

3. Show how you changed and helped others in this situation

So far I didnt get to know anything about you

Re: Personal Statement for review - Please feel free to comment with any constructive criticism

Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 4:15 pm
by Hi-So - ArshavinFan
sethnoorzad wrote:This seems like a first draft. You're getting your ideas on paper so that you can shape them into something more polished and probably shorter. You talk about facing underhanded discrimination in the academic advising office. You could talk about overcoming the "negative feedback cycle" and your academic success despite that challenge. Frame your academic career as a success, while also acknowledging the challenges along the way. This is a good start. The next step is to look at your own writing and distill the most interesting and essential points, come up with other details as they seem important. Then rewrite. With every rewrite you should aim to make your statement shorter, clearer, more polished etc.

Just some ideas. GL.


You're right. it was a super first draft.

I followed your advice and i made it much much better, Thanks for the help