What makes a good lawyer? A Twenty-Two year old Harvard graduate with no life experience, or a Thirty-One year old military veteran who chose to defend his Country rather than attend college after high school? Maybe both, maybe neither one… I am most certainly not the Harvard graduate that everyone in my family hoped I would be.
Scrap this intro entirely. You don't know
what makes a good lawyer, because you aren't one yet. You're dissing a group that may make up a large portion of your class, and may have included the people on the admissions committee back in the day. You've capitalized random words (Twenty-Two, Thirty-One, Country). A better intro would be a vivid description of an actual event during your times in the Marines, drawing the reader into your story and making them want to read more.
Anyone who has ever served in any branch of the United States Military knows that it takes a certain type of person to stand up and volunteer to defend their county.
Avoid sweeping generalizations. No, not everyone
who has served in the military would agree with this, and not everyone
in the military is a super, standup dude.
This is an undertaking not many people are willing to endure. Military life is not FOR everyone but joining the United States Marine Corps was the best decision I
have ever made.
As children we all dream of growing up and becoming a doctor or a teacher or a fireman but becoming a Marine was possibly the furthest thing from my mind.
You used 'but' as the conjunction, but how does the second part of the sentence contradict the first? To me, they are not imcompatible thoughts.
I grew up without a father and had no guidance as a teenager. The only image I had of the military was what I had seen in the movies. During my senior year in high school I had no idea what I was going to do once I graduated. I didn’t want to go to college because I was tired of school and I didn’t want to stay at my job where I was making barely enough to cover the gas to get there.
To tell the truth I was scared shitless about HOW my future was going to turn out.
Don't swear; it's too risky in this type of formal essay.
Then I got a phone call. The call was from an Air Force recruiter who wanted to convince me to join. Since I had nothing else to do I figured I would hear him out. I met with the recruiter at his office and he gave me a brief story spiel
You don't need to say 'story spiel.' One or the other is fine.
about what I could look forward to if I did join the Air Force.
But when I left his office I wasn’t convinced. Not that anything was wrong with the Air Force, it just wasn’t for me.
Two more sentence fragments.
Then another phone call came in. This time it was from a Marine Corps recruiter and he sounded excited to speak to me. We set up A meet time and he picked me up from school and took me to the recruiting station. At the station he didn’t show me any videos or pamphlets, all he did was tell me what the Marine Corps did and what they were all about. I was hooked. I wanted to be part of a group that I felt would not only make me a better person but challenge me, as well. And that is exactly what I got.
I think some more elaboration on what caught your attention in the recruiter's words would be useful here. Otherwise it sounds like a dumb kid getting swept up without putting any real thought into a very serious decision. If he really convinced you with logical and detailed arguments, you need to make the reader believe that.
Boot camp lasted three long months and it was the most physically demanding time of my life. We would PT [what is PT? The layperson may not know] 5 [spell it out, FIVE] times a week, practice drill every day, and spend the rest of the time getting screamed at by our Drill Instructors but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Sudden shift from past tense to present. You aren't in boot camp anymore.
I hated every minute of it but I also loved every minute because I was doing something I never thought I could and meeting people I knew I never would. I had conquered something I thought would be tougher than I had expected and I beat it. I expect law school to be same.
You use 'I' 12 times in this short paragraph, which is somewhat grating, and are telling
the reader instead of showing
them about your experience.
There isn’t anything law school can throw at me that I haven’t already been prepared for. My first of three tours of duty into a war zone came shortly after September 11, 2001. When we were told that we were going to be deployed into the most hostile region, my heart dropped. I knew what I was getting myself into when I joined the Marine Corps but when they said we were headed over it all kicked in.
You knew, but it hadn't kicked in until then? Find a way to phrase this that doesn't contradict yourself.
I don’t want to say that I was scared but I was definitely nervous.
Admit you were scared. No one will believe that a sane person wasn't scared. 'Nervous' is a wishy-washy word for the dentist's office, not a war zone.
Once deployed into an active war zone, scared shitless would be putting it lightly but on the outside you would never know. I did my job to the best of my ability and the only reason I was able to do that was because I didn’t let fear get in my way. If I had let that happen I would have endangered mu life as we al the lives of the men I served with.
A huge example of telling, not showing. The reader needs details or your story is ineffective. Also, don't swear.
When you are faced with no choices you are amazed by that you can accomplish. Fear is a powerful motivator but the courage to overcome that fear is what separates the men from the boys.
More telling. SHOW something!!! There are no specific details at ALL in your essay. Talk about the dust, the heat, the noise of air strikes, the smell of burning tires and oil, the tension inside a Humvee driving through an area where insurgents had been seen, playing football at the base, buying candy bars at the PX, the difficulties of communicating with locals, losing a buddy, etc. (I have never served and I just painted a more vivid picture of war than your entire essay. That should not be possible, because I don't actually know wtf I'm talking about. Your details should blow mine out of the water.)
I love the Marine Corps and would give my life for it in a heartbeat. Not too many people can say that and I am proud to be a member of such a prestigious club. But I never would have had this title if I let fear hold me back and get in my way.
You keep talking about fear but give no examples of times you overcame your fear to accomplish something.
We are all afraid of something but how we react to that fear is what is going to make the difference in how your life turns out. Face your fears head on and make them back down.
Okay, did you? Tell a story about it.
Not the other way around.
As a criminal prosecutor, I plan to use everything I’ve learned from my 5 years as a Marine, 6 years as a police officer, 4 years of undergraduate course work, 3 years of law school, 7 years as a husband and 5 years as a father to become the best lawyer I can be.
Spell out numbers less than 10.
It is my life experience that sets me aside from most and the multifaceted dimensions of my character make me a strong candidate for success.