Ix88 is right about trying to find a clear purpose and having it copy-edited. I think you're too caught up in the details given the purpose of the essay. I would recommend first outlining the main points about how this experience has either prepared or inspired you to pursue law. From there, write specifically to those points.
I don't think it's necessary to start all over but there's a lot I would recommend removing.
For instance, the way I read your opening paragraph, it almost seems to suggest you were restless at your university, so you googled a way to make yourself happy and found that the best solution was to run away for a semester to another country. I would scrap your first paragraph and either start with an insightful "this is how far I've come" or a positive "this is where I knew I wanted to go and how I got there" kind of theme.
I didn't go through the entire essay. I think it would be better if you sat down, read each sentence and asked yourself, "Is this strengthening my point?" - the ones you identified from your outline.
You talk about dissatisfaction in your life but you don't give any explanation. If you're the traditional college student, it's easy to dismiss you as a spoiled college kid. Let's either give a compelling tug-on-the-heartstrings because of my unfortunate story or removing the theme altogether. Your comment about the wine helping you speak the language without reservation, while amusing (and I can certainly relate) runs the risk of coming off as an college student drinking underage in foreign country. I would get rid of that, too.
Remember, you are the young explorer of uncharted territory that, through your travels, has found a passion for international law (or whatever).
I appreciate your criticism.
My intent is to narrate my experience on traveling abroad, becoming fluent in Spanish, and then incorporate my assimilation in the Latin community today. The overlying theme here is diversity and real world experience. Connecting everything with being bilingual and passion to learn is what i want to get across.
Argentina and back
On a gloomy dark day in October of 2009 my life seemed to be derailing with dissatisfaction. I was on my computer encaged in a morbid dorm room aimlessly browsing the internet for ideas of purpose in life. The subconscious provoked my curiosity and soon my passions in life were flashing on the computer screen. Traveling and playing soccer was all I wanted to do.I came across several independent study abroad programs and without hesitation I knew this is what I wanted to do. I immediately contacted the university department head and began talks for an arrangement to study abroad. My first obstacle was to insure transfer of credits through the foreign language department at my university. Inconveniently,I attended a small private university and the possibility of arranging a study abroad program through the school was not an option. It was up to me to contact an independent study abroad program to collaborate a place of study.
By February of 2006, I was bound for Argentina on a crowded Boeing 777 surrounded by many young strangers. All of us presumably coupled by the same unique circumstances of experiencing the cultural and linguistic challenges when residing in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The thrill and excitement of my first time in a country speaking a language other than my own was invigorating
. The excitement aloneand blocked the fear I might experience when traveling alone. I would be planted in this bustling city for six months and I was determined to make the best of it.
Then reality slapped me in the face when I landed and Imet with the host family . I and quickly realized my grasp on the Spanish language would best be described as elementary; I could count on two hands the number of words in my Spanish speaking arsenal. However, I knew learning Argentinean Castellano and accustoming to a foreign city provided me the challenge and experience of a life-time that could alleviate some of the unwarranted dissatisfaction in my life.
The host family quickly became a home away from home. We shared breakfast and dinner together daily as a family should.Initially the communication process was slow and cumbersome. Interaction was limited and my personality was waiting to burst through like sun rays on a cloudy day. However, their compassion and persistence to learn their language and culture fueled my desire to continue to learn. The host family introduced me to the Argentinean lifestyle. On Sundays we went to eat Argentinean style barbecue at the park with friends and family.They invited me to dinner gatherings in the “barrios”, or suburbs; uncharted territory. I sat among the family, twenty at a time consuming massive and exquisitely delicious portions of Argentine wine and beef. We discussed politics, customs, and life growing up in the United States as the alcohol provided the passion of words. It gave me an incredible sense of joy and pride that I could not only share my life with those from another country, but I could do so in a language other than English.
Apart from my new home life, I spent thirty hours a week in the classroom for a six month program familiarizing with the language. I spent countless hours at home and on the street reading, practicing, and studying. By month four, after countless hours of studying and headaches, I noticed the curve shifting. I was no longer an overwhelmed novice of Spanish but a fluent intellectual of Castellano.
Nevertheless, my desire to continue to learn the Spanish language did not cease upon my return from Argentina. I could not waste the experience, time, and money devoted to learning a new language by simply accepting my new ability as it were. Aside from taking eighteen credit hours to graduate on time, I obtained my minor in Spanish. I took every Spanish course offered at our school and was honored as the best non-native Spanish pupil by the foreign language department. Moreover, my ambition to study and learn a new language influenced those around me. My roommate came to me for recommendation and he eventually traveled to Peru in a program designed by the school. My successful adventure in Argentina inspired others from my class to study abroad and consequently lead our university to establish its first official study abroad program.
Fluency in Spanish now presented me with the opportunity to communicate to a new world of people from many diverse cultures. Moreover, the Spanish community shares a special relationship with soccer, which I am ever more a part of. I have assimilated among the Latin community as a talented soccer player and Spanish speaker. The constant immersion and practice has allowed me to diminish my accent and learn dialects and speech unique to the friends I make. The interaction I experience on a daily basis has given me an understanding of a population of people different and unique from my own. It opened my attitude and feelings to those in difficult situations, resulting in a newfound compassion for immigrants and anyone struggling for a better life.
The compassion has turned into a willingness to fight for those fighting for themselves. For this reason attending law school is my next endeavor in helping those around me. My intuitive and impulsive nature that led me to leap into a culture different than my own and vanquish a language barrier is the reason why I will be a great addition to any law school program. I believe I found some purpose in life by studying abroad, learning new cultures, and connecting with different people. Political and cultural diversity intrigue me and as our country is more socially diverse than ever I will represent your law school as an open-minded, intelligent, and diverse lawyer.