What do you think guys & gals? Forum
- JCougar
- Posts: 3216
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:47 pm
What do you think guys & gals?
I've already had it edited a couple of times by some friends that are highly credentialed in the law/writing/language department. Here goes:
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Last edited by JCougar on Sat Jan 09, 2010 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- JCougar
- Posts: 3216
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:47 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
And yes, I realize I mis-pluralized the word "people's" in the second to last paragraph.
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?
Awkward. There's nothing wrong with ending with a preposition.My goal was to become a “man for others,” the ideal of which my high school’s motto and formative counsel consistently reminded me
Anyone who begs to differ doesn't know about what they are talking...err...what they are talking about
- JCougar
- Posts: 3216
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:47 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
LOL. My published friend actually suggested I end that sentence with "of," and I thought I had caught him. I changed it because I can't stand ending sentences in prepositions, but now it's 2 versus 1.febstriver wrote:Awkward. There's nothing wrong with ending with a preposition.My goal was to become a “man for others,” the ideal of which my high school’s motto and formative counsel consistently reminded me
Anyone who begs to differ doesn't know about what they are talking...err...what they are talking about
- scribelaw
- Posts: 760
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
My first thought is, this needs to lose some weight. No PS should be more than two pages, double spaced. How long does this one run? I've got to think 3-4 -- and unfortunately, it reads like it. You have some good stuff in here, but it's a task to muddle through.
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- scribelaw
- Posts: 760
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
Also, you might want to tone it down in parts -- it reads a little pretentious. You went to a "prestigious" high school; the unenlightened masses "bemuse" you. I also don't like the whole man for others schtick, it comes across as though you believe you are a chosen one to share your unique flower with the world.
Just my two cents, though...
Like I said, I do like parts and the writing isn't bad...
Just my two cents, though...
Like I said, I do like parts and the writing isn't bad...
- JCougar
- Posts: 3216
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:47 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
This one is 3 pages double spaced, but with wide margins. The schools I am applying to ask for either 3 or 4 pages double-spaced, or two pages (without the double-spaced specification). It used to be four, and I feel like cutting it down to three got rid of a lot of weaker parts and fluff. I can't really decide what else to cut.scribelaw wrote:My first thought is, this needs to lose some weight. No PS should be more than two pages, double spaced. How long does this one run? I've got to think 3-4 -- and unfortunately, it reads like it. You have some good stuff in here, but it's a task to muddle through.
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?
I liked it. I read it for what it was about, not to correct spelling or grammar though.
Off topic but...Are you by any chance a Detroit Tiger's fan?
Off topic but...Are you by any chance a Detroit Tiger's fan?
- JCougar
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?
Point taken, although I wasn't bemused by the masses, I was bemused by the polarities that divide us. But perhaps I should word that in a way that makes that more clear.scribelaw wrote:Also, you might want to tone it down in parts -- it reads a little pretentious. You went to a "prestigious" high school; the unenlightened masses "bemuse" you. I also don't like the whole man for others schtick, it comes across as though you believe you are a chosen one to share your unique flower with the world.
Just my two cents, though...
Like I said, I do like parts and the writing isn't bad...
You're the second person to comment about how I described my grade school, though, so that's obviously something I should look into changing.
- JCougar
- Posts: 3216
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:47 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
Wait...how did you know that?pattymac wrote:I liked it. I read it for what it was about, not to correct spelling or grammar though.
Off topic but...Are you by any chance a Detroit Tiger's fan?
- scribelaw
- Posts: 760
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
Yep, I would probably cut all the high school stuff. That's a red flag for adcomms; they're looking for mature law school candidates. Also, I don't see how your parents' money troubles fit in.JCougar wrote:Point taken, although I wasn't bemused by the masses, I was bemused by the polarities that divide us. But perhaps I should word that in a way that makes that more clear.scribelaw wrote:Also, you might want to tone it down in parts -- it reads a little pretentious. You went to a "prestigious" high school; the unenlightened masses "bemuse" you. I also don't like the whole man for others schtick, it comes across as though you believe you are a chosen one to share your unique flower with the world.
Just my two cents, though...
Like I said, I do like parts and the writing isn't bad...
You're the second person to comment about how I described my grade school, though, so that's obviously something I should look into changing.
My favorite part of your PS was the detail about you telling the guy you'd keep interrupting his afternoon naps if he didn't vote. Priceless. Honestly, I'd consider leading with that, it fits in better with your theme of your socially active experience, etc, and it's far more vivid and memorable.
Good luck with your cycle!
Last edited by scribelaw on Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: What do you think guys & gals?
I also say end it with the preposition.
Like split infinitives, ending with a preposition isn't always bad.
Like split infinitives, ending with a preposition isn't always bad.
- JCougar
- Posts: 3216
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:47 pm
Re: What do you think guys & gals?
Thanks all for your feedback!
I've removed it cause I just don't want to keep it up there. I think it's ready to go out with my first round of apps tomorrow.
I've removed it cause I just don't want to keep it up there. I think it's ready to go out with my first round of apps tomorrow.
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