Any advice for my P.S.? Forum

[blong4133]

ok so this is my P.S. for WVU's law school. If anyone could please offer any advice for making it better or more effective it would be greatly appreciated.

Ok I changed the intro. What do you guys think?

For the record, the activities i mention in the paper are discribed in a sep. document i will be submitting with my app.

I turned off the loud buzzing of my alarm clock looking closely to make sure it was indeed time to wake up. The clock read 4:45 AM so I got ready to start my day. I quickly got dressed, grabbed my CD player and walked outside of my house. After a brief stretch, I began my morning jog. The first mile went by easily. The second two, however, proved to be much more difficult. I refused to slow my pace, ignoring the deep burn in my thighs, reminding myself that this would pay off Friday night on the football field. I continued through the pain in my legs and eventually arrived back at my house, exhausted at 5:30 AM. I jumped in the shower, made breakfast, and woke my sister to get ready for school. This was my routine every day before high school. Ever since I was a child, I wanted to play football for Magnolia High School, and now that I had the opportunity to do just that, I was going to take full advantage. I worked diligently during the season and off season throughout high school to make sure that I was able to perform at my full potential. After high school, however, I made the decision to go to college, leaving the sport I loved so much behind. The work ethic I had developed to better myself in football no longer mattered, and quickly needed to apply this work ethic to my collegiate studies.
Upon arriving at Wheeling Jesuit University, I came to find that succeeding in college level classes required much more work and dedication than in high school. While in high school, I regularly chose not to study for tests, neglected to complete homework assignments, and did what I needed to get by, and nothing more. After I had left football in order to place more emphasis on my education, the work ethic I had once had for bettering myself on the football field evolved to suit my needs for succeeding in the class room. For the first time in my life, I began to truly apply myself in my academic studies. My grades steadily improved until I came upon the first major obstacle in my life. During my sophomore year in college, my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. I witnessed my grandfather suffer for several months until he passed away. I spent the last night my grandfather was alive by his side trying to comfort him in his last hours. What my grandfather said to me before I left him to rest has had a major influence on the person I have become. After telling my grandfather I loved him, he uttered the words “make sure you work hard.” There has not been a day that has passed in which I do not think about those words.
After this life changing experience, I began to take more responsibility for my future and began to work harder in my school work that I had ever done in previous years. I also began working nearly 40 hours a week at Cabela’s in order to help my parents finance my education. My junior year, I worked an average of 32 hours a week, while completing 18 credit hours and was named to the Dean’s list for the first time in my collegiate career. I became a history tutor for freshman students, a student ambassador, served on WJU’s Judicial Board and Student Council, volunteered to do weekly bread runs for catholic charities, and also Participated in the PAN Handle Mentoring Program. My senior year, I was able to become a resident of the Academic floor of my dorm in which one must maintain great academic standing in order to become a resident.
I feel that throughout my collegiate career, I have displayed a work ethic that will help me succeed not only in law school, but in practicing law upon graduation. I feel that the field of law would be the perfect fit for an individual such as myself. I welcome challenges, have a genuine passion for research, and love helping others. I feel that if I should be admitted to [X Law School] I will be able to develop this work ethic and fulfill my desire to help others more effectively and efficiently than I could do in any other field.

[blong4133]

I see a few sketchy sentences reading it now...I will fix the gramatical issues myself, if anyone could offer some advice for content. Thanks again!

[Kiersten1985]

Your first sentence makes me want to stop reading - very boring, typical, cliche. You need a much better intro, something to hook the reader.

[Neelio]

Your first sentence makes me want to stop reading - very boring, typical, cliche. You need a much better intro, something to hook the reader.

agreed. possibly make the intro about a rough day at practice... or go through your morning routine of running 3 miles. show- don't tell.