PS 1st Draft, need help!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:34 pm

PS 1st Draft, need help!!

Postby dgreen510 » Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:41 pm

This is my first draft of my PS, just started writing. Have not edited yet (too long I know) and haven't finished the last paragraph summing it all up. Any help will be appreciated.

As my body is sprawled out on the cold cement, I can feel blood, my own blood rolling from my nose and dripping to the ground. I try to lift my head up to connect faces with the shouting that is taking place right above me, but the glaring sun on this once beautiful Oakland California day, has prohibited me from doing so. I am in a daze, wondering how am I even in this situation, but more importantly how do I get out. The yelling eventually dwindles down to one voice, a distinctive voice. A voice I have grown up hearing nearly my entire life. “Dom! Get up man, we gotta go, C’mon get up!” I turn over on my back, lift my hand to cover my eyes from the intense sun and there is my older cousin, Jarrett holding out his hand to help me up. He checks my face with a keen eye as if he just obtained his medical degree from UC Berkeley. He mutters, “ Man you’re alright, just a little blood.” As I dust myself off and commence to wipe the blood, dirt and sweat off of my face, I ask, “What happened?” Jarrett looks at me with the same straight perfect teeth smile he has till this day and says, “ You got hit that hard? We were in a fight with a few kids from the school down the street. But you know that’s nothing new. Just another day in Oakland.” Truthfully, I knew what had happened; I guess the more appropriate question would be why did it happen. But being young, black and residents of a city where violence was apart of nature, the why aspect was usually never answered.

Jarrett and I were close, close enough to the fact we called each other brothers. Of course there were times where arguments could have led to events previously mentioned in this essay, but we always reverted back to our ways of looking out for one another. Something that is needed in Northern California. Oakland was not at all the easiest place to grow up. It has been a city closely associated with drugs and murder more than anything else. During the late 90’s and early 2000’s, the city has been ranked as high as number 6 on Morgan Quitno Press’ Worst U.S City list, which bases its statistics off of major violent crimes. To make matters worse, the Oakland Public School system was horrendous, so the best way to achieve a quality education was to attend private catholic school. At this point in time, Jarrett and I had come to the point where our paths would head in different directions. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend St. Mary’s College High school, while Jarrett attended the public school Oakland High. While in school I excelled on the basketball court as well as academics and by senior year I got accepted to The George Washington University on Early Decision. Meanwhile, Jarrett was battling bouts of untreated dyslexia and was trying to focus on graduating without being distracted by the allure of the streets, drugs and fast money. He was able to graduate, and as I was packing up and getting ready to start a new chapter in my life 3000 miles away from home, we agreed to talk to each other as much as possible and never lose our connection.

The beginning of my college career was met with some hardships. I wasn’t happy and I missed home. I wasn’t doing as well as I could in school so I was contemplating the idea of moving back to California. When I called Jarrett to tell him the news, he surprisingly talked me out of it. He told me something that I would never forget. He said, “ You inspire me. You have showed me there is a way out of all the nonsense in Oakland and I can have a better life. I don’t want you to come back. You are destined for something great, and GW offers that. Take advantage of the opportunities given to you and continue to make me proud, ok?” I was shocked to hear that. I never knew anyone looked up to me, let alone my older cousin. At the end of the conversation, I decided to make a change. Within the next 3 years I improved my GPA, I participated in different community service events such as feeding the homeless and participating in every AIDS Walk. I also walked on to the George Washington Basketball team my sophomore year and was named Co-Captain by my senior year. During my last 2 years I developed an interest in Sports Law and researched tort, antitrust, and contract law outside of the classroom. I was becoming what Jarrett saw in me my whole life, a leader.

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