Please give me your opinion of my updated 1-7 draft Forum

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[OneSixtySix]

I'm terrible at writing personal statements so I'm not in the position to comment on it as a PS...but, that read very nicely and was an excellent story.

I agree with the previous poster, it presents you in a very good light without sounding forced or manufactured. You come across as honest and sincerely touched by the situation, and not simply trying to advertise your good works.

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[nycparalegal]

I feel like there is a disconnect between the second and third paragraph. What is it exactly about the experience that gave you the final push into law school?

Was it that you realized that you were unfulfilled at your current job? Why did giving that women 20 dollars make you think about being unfulfilled at work?

edit: Your missing a comma before the conjuction in the first sentence of the last paragraph, and I just realize how awkward your last sentence ends. You want it to "seem" like your saving their world. Why not actually saving their world?

[DavidYurman85]

This was actually pretty decent. A bit overkill on the I started to cry and then she started to cry, but if that's the way it happend, then leave it. My suggestion would be to include a better description or explanation of the emotion/feeling/reasoning/what clicked that made you go from "rollng your eyes" to giving the woman the twenty-dollars. You mentioned that it wasn't the first time that you've done something like this-so what made this experience so unique?

[xyzzzzzzzz]

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[Billy Batts]

I don't like literally jogged. Maybe hurried or rushed?

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