personal statement - please critique! Forum

[schnauzerlover]

removed for editing.

[rw2264]

Please respond with any comments or critique of my personal statement. I would be happy to return the favor and swap if you'd like. I'm also thinking of posting a (possible) diversity statement because I'm having a lot of trouble with that...

LSAT: 164, 167
GPA: 3.41

My mom never thought that mid-way through her fight to overcome breast cancer, she would be in the emergency room holding her seventeen year old daughter's hand and deciding whether or not she should be read her last rights. A few minutes before I lost consciousness, I could hear the monitors beeping as my blood's oxygen count plummeted and her telling me to keep breathing. Although I couldn’t move or speak, I wanted to tell her that I was trying and that I wouldn't give up. Three years after that day when I first went into anaphylactic shock, I was holding my mom's hand as her staggered breathing slowed and she came to end of her battle. This time, as I was holding her hand, I wanted to tell her that she could stop fighting and let go. Maybe explain the circumstances (very briefly) of your anaphylaxis.

Although sometimes I would like to think that all of my diligence and determination that helped me through these struggles are inherent traitsmaybe a better wording: although i would sometimes like to believe i am naturally diligent and determined, my mom undeniably shaped the woman I am today. She taught me how to tackle life's challenges with optimism and fortitude. I distinctly remember the last night at home during winter break my sophomore year at Wellesley. My mom knocked on my door and said simply from the hallway that her cancer had metastasized to her liver. She concluded, "well, I guess this is another phase," and went into her room. The next morning, amidst phone calls to set up appointments for work, discuss her theater plans with the xxxxs, and confirm which anthem the choir was singing on Sunday, we called her oncologist to start discussing what new protocols she might be eligible for.

My mom has been at times an overt, and at other times, an invisible guiding hand. After my parents divorce, my mom moved my sister and I to take over a new sales territory selling books to schools. Not only did our basement filed with my mom's samples provide a bevy of books for a slightly introverted and intellectually curious child to indulge in, but even our bathroom was a tribute to books, walled floor to ceiling with wallpaper stacked with the classics.

My insatiable desire to learn and read fostered a keen interest in history, politics, and the social sciences. In middle school my ideal outlet became Mock Trial. Although the competition was exciting, what I truly reveled in was the process; sifting through the case law, evidence, and witness testimony to piece together a cohesive, convincing argument. Lacking support from teachers and the administration, in high school I started and led our Mock Trial team; even all of our meetings were at my house. As xxxx's Mock Trial Team's captain and an attorney, I shed my shy tendencies, developed the ability to think on my feet, and led my team to win the State Championship and attend Nationals. i think these two preceding paragraphs are a little irrelevant and could be cut out, length willing.

At Wellesley my passion for politics, law, and Mock Trial naturally cemented my interest in becoming a lawyer—or so I thought. I started studying for the LSAT my junior year. After my mom’s death and the stress of moving my younger sister and I out of our childhood home six months later, I began to question everything, including my law school ambitions. I realized that I wanted to study law, but did I want to practice law?

After Wellesley, I decided to work in a law office to experience the application of law first hand. Working closely for two attorneys in a small office has given me invaluable experience and insight into litigation and estate, probate, real estate, trust, and tax law, reconciling my academic interest in law with the realities of working as an attorney. The complexity and nuances of tax law have been particularly interesting and xxx’s outstanding tax law program makes it an ideal choice for law school. i think you can use this paragraph and this experience to construct a narrative about the crisis of confidence you mention in the end of the previous paragraph. that would be much more compelling!

I no longer have a hand to hold through the hard times, but [strike]it[/strike] my loss and the memory of my mother's lessons/strength, or something like that has made me stronger, more appreciative, and better prepared to tackle life's challenges. [strike]Although my nearly fatal anaphylaxis was exercise induced, I continue to run. I accomplished a 5:45 minute mile last winter and I am currently training for a marathon.[/strike] though these demonstrate what you're trying to say, its a little confusing to just throw these things in at the end. I am now the strong, determined woman my mom was. My perseverance, hard work, and rigorous academic training at Wellesley have prepared me to attend xxxx and become an outstanding attorney. the mention of wellesley is also kind of random. they know you went to wellesley and are prepared academically; your statement should be about being prepared emotionally and professionally.



Thank you for any feedback

i think its good. you just need to put in a little work synthesizing ideas and making sure it sticks to one topic.

also, sorry for your loss. my PS is also about losing a parent, i know how difficult it is and how it really does change you as a person (hopefully for the better).

[schnauzerlover]

Any more thoughts from people? good, bad....

[schnauzerlover]

Here's an updated version. Thoughts on the two? Come on now people, you're looking at, but not saying anything!



My mom never thought that mid-way through her fight to overcome breast cancer, she would be in the emergency room holding her seventeen year old daughter's hand and deciding whether or not she should be read her last rights. I had been on an intense five-mile run less than a half-hour before when I went into anaphylactic shock for the first time. Just before I lost consciousness in the hospital, I could hear the monitors beeping as my blood's oxygen count plummeted and my mom telling me to keep breathing. Although I couldn’t move or speak, I wanted to tell her that I was trying and that I wouldn't give up. Three years later, I was holding my mom's hand as her staggered breathing slowed and she came to end of her battle. This time, as I was holding her hand, I wanted to tell her that she could stop fighting and let go.

My mom undeniably shaped the woman I am today. Through her example she taught me to tackle life's challenges with optimism and fortitude. I distinctly remember the last night at home during winter break my sophomore year at Wellesley. My mom knocked on my door and said simply from the hallway that her cancer had metastasized to her liver. She concluded, "well, I guess this is another phase," and went into her room. The next morning, amidst phone calls to set up appointments for work, discuss her theater plans with the Gunzelmans, and confirm which anthem the choir was singing on Sunday, we called her oncologist to discuss what new protocols she might be eligible for.

My insatiable desire to learn and read—instilled and encouraged by my mom’s guiding hand—fostered a keen interest in history, politics, and the social sciences. In middle school my ideal outlet became Mock Trial. Although the competition was exciting, what I truly reveled in was the process: sifting through the case law, evidence, and witness testimony to piece together a cohesive, convincing argument. In high school I started and led our Mock Trial team; without support from teachers and the administrations, I held our meetings at my house. As Moses Brown’s Mock Trial Team's captain and an attorney, I shed my shyness, developed the ability to think on my feet, and led my team to win the State Championship and compete at the Nationals.

At Wellesley my passion for politics, law, and Mock Trial naturally cemented my interest in becoming a lawyer—or so I thought. After my mom’s death, and without the support of our father, my sister and I found ourselves struggling to face life without a family. My mom’s death and the stress of moving my younger sister and I out of our childhood home, made me question everything, including my law school ambitions. I realized that I wanted to study law, but did I want to practice law? In order to gauge my interest, I sought full time employment at a law firm.

Working closely for two attorneys in a small office has given me invaluable experience and insight into litigation and estate, probate, real estate, trust, and tax law, reconciling my academic interest in law with the realities of working as an attorney. The complexity and nuances of tax law have been particularly interesting and BU’s outstanding tax law program makes it an ideal choice for law school.

I no longer have my mom’s hand to hold through the hard times, but my loss and her lessons have made me stronger, more appreciative, and better prepared to tackle life's challenges. I do not let difficulties stop me from achieving my goals. Despite my nearly fatal anaphylaxis, I continue to run. I accomplished a 5:45 minute mile last winter and I am currently training for a marathon. With the maturity and understanding gained through my experiences, I am ready to continue my journey at...... law school.

[pokey]

If you are talking about "the preparation for passing over to eternal life" in that first paragraph, it should be "last rites" not "last rights."
Although, you could make an interesting pun considering what the personal statement is for... but it might not be appropriate.

[schnauzerlover]

If you are talking about "the preparation for passing over to eternal life" in that first paragraph, it should be "last rites" not "last rights."
Although, you could make an interesting pun considering what the personal statement is for... but it might not be appropriate.

I didn't even think about that! Thanks for pointing that out! Yeah, pun probably not great here... going for the rites meaning... they asked my mom if a priest should come to read my last rites...

Thank you!