Since nobody bit on my first post I'll just post my PS..Thanks in advance for your help/comments and dont worry, brutal honesty won't hurt my feelings.
When I was five years old my paternal grandparents offered my mother a large sum of money to relinquish full custody to my father and sever all contact. In XXX (name specific culture) culture the oldest grandson must remain close to home to be a caretaker and heir. My mother was raised with a decidedly American (western??) sensibility and refused. My parents divorced over cultural differences and now my mother's former in-laws were bribing her to abandon her own child.
My mother kept her child and her pride, but I have often wondered if my life would have been easier had she taken the money. For the better part of my childhood, my mother tried her best to legally and physically keep me away from my father and his family. I don't resent her choices, but it was difficult to grow up with limited interaction with my father. I idolized the man, his wealth and ability to provide everything I wanted. I wanted to be with him, and to live the life I thought he would offer. My mother was a college dropout and struggled financially. We moved from boyfriend to boyfriend, from one crime-ridden neighborhood to the next. I was continually with relatives while she tried to figure things out.
I hated my circumstances and worked from a young age toward a goal of a better life. I devoted my time to sports in hopes of a professional career, and excelled academically knowing education was my fallback. School and sports (name specific sport) allowed me sanctuary when times got hard and I felt more and more removed from my adversity. I understand my mother's choices were responsible for our situation, but she always pushed me to do better and supported me in my aspirations.
My peers lacked my drive and parental support. When I left for college, I was the only one of my friends to going on to bigger things. The others were selling drugs, working at liquor stores to support their children or otherwise lacked ambition. I feel for the people I grew up with and others in similar situations. While I used to pity myself, I now know how fortunate I was have had a father, however absent, to look up to and a mother who supported me. Many of my peers were not as lucky.
In college I worked to give back to children in situations similar to my upbringing. I chaired a mentor program and worked with impoverished elementary school children, in hopes that I would be a role model. Through my university’s governmental relations department, I helped lobby and fundraise to lower the student fees that prevented lower class children from aspiring to a college degree. I participated in information sessions yp educate families on funding for college, even in dire financial situations. Working to increase the education rates amongst the poor is my way of giving back, and is a fulfilling passion. Obtaining a law degree may not solve these problems, but it will provide me a educational basis to affect real change. I have overcome my difficult origins and succeeded. I believe this drive will allow me to succeed throughout law school and my career
You seem like a good guy. Your passion comes through in the statement, and it is among the more compelling stories they will read. That said, the writing kind of sucks. I gave it a 10 minutes rewrite. Feel free is disregard. Hope that help. Good luck.