So its really rough, should keep working on it in some form or start anew. Much obliged.

It was two years at university down and two to go when my closest friend called and asked if I wanted to move to the Philippines and work with him at a children’s shelter. Though surprised and tempted, I was hesitant about taking so much time off school. However, the prospect continued to fester, my semester ended and the decision was made. After a few months waiting tables and a little help from friends and family, Ryan and I were on a plane crossing the pacific. No amount of sad commercials with swollen bellied children would have compared me for the reality of extreme poverty when we arrived in Cebu, the 2nd largest city in the country. We settled into our new home. An aging gated complex complete with barbed fencing. Open-air bunk beds covered with a tin awning to keep out the rain. Though given the amount of noise it made when it rained Ryan and I both agreed that we might prefer getting wet. We spent our days organizing activities, reviewing homework and supervising 40-50 children, all under the age of 15. Most of whom had been orphaned by parents who couldn’t afford to feed them. I was surprised how much responsibility was handed over to me so quickly and how quickly we were able to adjust to such an unfamiliar lifestyle. We were sometimes asked to file paperwork on the children’s status at the shelter as well as their adoption status. A task that forced us to deal with government agencies and complex rules and regulations that changed abruptly depending on whom you were speaking with. It was these experiences that prompted a more serious thought about pursuing a law degree (an idea that had been adrift in the back of my mind for about a year at this point). The torturous beurcocratic system forced me to appreciate how well ours does work. The time we had allowed ourselves quickly ended, we said our goodbyes and left the children to a new group of volunteers. I returned home, ready to finish school with a newfound appreciation and motivation for the opportunities I have in my life. Becoming enthralled with civil liberties and constitutional law, with precedents and opinions, justifications and circumstance. I became a first choice during any Aristotelian questioning inflicted by my professors. Initially because I was able to answer when the rest of the class looked sheepishly at the ceiling or their shoes also because my professors had woefully become aware of my reluctance to be called upon. This however yielded happy results as I soon developed a self-confidence in class that I had struggled with for some time. This also strengthened a habit for preparedness in and out of the classroom. A habit that I have grown to appreciate and rely upon more and more as its value became ever increasingly apparent. My affinity for the limited amount of legal doctrine I have studied combined with my humbling experience in the Philippines is what has led me toward law school. And your strong reputation for public interest law and civil liberties is what has led me to your law school

It seems a bit disjointed, like you're trying to cram a bunch of stuff in w/out giving proper due to any of it. You go from your time abroad to why you want to go to law school to how you can now answer questions in class. Nothing sticks or leaves much of an impression. Remember, lots and lots of people have similar experiences, especially applying to Tier 1 schools (assuming you are applying to T1). No offense, but nothing in this draft really sets you apart.

If I were you I would focus on one issue you faced in the Philippines discuss it in a bit more detail, and then use that to segue into why you want to go to law school. Cut out the bits about answering questions; it's superfluous fluff.

Good luck on subsequent drafts!

You have fragments in the essay. "An aging gated complex complete with barbed fencing." "Open-air bunk beds covered with a tin awning to keep out the rain." "Becoming enthralled with civil liberties and constitutional law, with precedents and opinions, justifications and circumstance."

Those are good notes and I appreciate them. Thanks

it's too narrow in scope. it sounds like your telling me a story about why you want to go to law school rather than who you are.