.

I really don't like the opening... it didn't do anything for me, even though I understand your intention. It seems a bit too naked.

Also, I think your ending should be more specific and detailed. What area of law are you interested in? It sounds like human rights, but your being very vague.

thanks for the reply! yeah, i wasn't satisfied with the level of detail either. it's just been tough to get more in-depth because of the darn word limit. do you think there's anything i should cut out so i can develop these spots more?

I think the transition between fighting against plastic cups to being mature is totally forced. Look for a simpler and shorter introduction and then work on the ending--talk more about what you want to do with a law degree. The amnesty international focus is decent, but I am not sure letter writing should be your sole motivation for moving from idealism to pragmatism... can you add any other experiences/motivations?

ok, thanks for the tips.


do you (or anyone else reading this) think that i should dump the first paragraph and develop my experience with my brother into an introduction?

Yeah, now that you mention it and I reread it the first paragraph seems totally superfluous. The story about your brother seems like a much more meaningful transition into what got you interested in social justice and the drew you towards international human rights.

I really think that you should focus your attention to the end, though. I read it again and its really just... soft:

remain overwhelming
little knowledge of how to realize these ideals
most threats to human rights cannot be solved by
I do not expect to change the world
I hope to

These are all really negative.. highlighting your inabilities or doubts instead of your fiery convictions and strengths. Feel me? Don't even mention how thing can't be solved, just highlight how they can. Why not expect to change the world? Do you hope to do something, or are you utterly convinced that you will do it?

OK, thanks again for all your help. I read the PS article on this site that mentioned being optimistic, but not idealistic, so that was my rationale behind the caution at the end. But, looking back, it doesn't look very optimistic. Thanks for pointing this out!