Cycle

I think it's alright (and I'm sorry about your uncle) but you start wrong and end weak, and I think it has the potential to be a lot better. Throughout I think you would be better off if you didn't use quite so many unnecessary descriptive words that to me made it seem a little melodramatic. Y
Here's my two cents:

I would cut the first paragraph. It's boring and unnecessary. I personally am not fond of such phrases as "on a beautiful, spring morning" use your words places like here: "As I retrieved my messages, I could only hear fragments in between the incessant sobs and tears: Prakash, burglary, money, drugs, shot, hospital, bleeding." Plus you can use info from the first paragraph and work it into the second to make it more powerful. For example, "On Apr, 22, 2004 I woke up and proceeded through my habitual routine. I had no idea it would be a day I would tragically remember forever. Or something along those lines. The rest is good to have in because it points out that your family is from India and talks about your relationship with your uncle. However, instead of saying "only three daughters" I think it might be better to say "Since he had no son of his own, Uncle Prakash regarded me as his own." Basically i think it comes across wrong if you say Only three daughters.

Next two paragraphs are pretty good.
The realization that this man, who was dear to my heart, was murdered in such an atrocious and untimely manner was devastating.

I think the wording is a bit weak. Maybe instead: The realization that this man so close to my heart was murdered in such an atrocious and untimely manner was devastating.

This sentence is passive: Throughout the trial of Ray Grace, Jr., one of the criminals in the slaying, I was front and center in the courtroom

Rev: I was front and center in the courtroom throughout the trial of Ray Grace, Jr., one of the criminals in the slaying.

I watched with a close eye as he adeptly directed and cross-examined witness after witness, persuading the jury with his intellect and passion for justice.

America’s Founding Fathers established a right to fair trial for all of those accused not only to punish the Ray Grace's of the world, but also to allow the Atticus Finch's to protect the Tom Robinson's of the world.

I found this toss-in to be a little awkward but maybe that's just me.

During this trial, I realized the [color=#BF0080]legitimacy of the American legal system (i don't think this is what you are trying to say. Perhaps something along the lines of "During this trial, I felt first-hand the effect of the American legal system")[/color] and the rights the Constitution provides to those accused. While justice may not always be served in our legal system (take out), the beauty of the American legal system shone throughout this trial.At this juncture, this eye-opening occurrence imparted me with eternal motivation, determination, and passion to want to become a lawyer—to pursue justice with identical passion and intellect as the DA.
(Maybe try something less passive and more direct like "While tragic, this juncture in my life imparted within me a desire to fight for justice for others with the same drive, passion, and intellect as the DA who fought for my family."

I do not really like the last paragraph at all. Perhaps you could make the last paagraph for each of your personal statements school specific. Speak to clinics, programs, moot courts, classes, professors, etc that you like about the school and then say why you think you'd do there. I personally stay away from sentences such as this one: I have always been extremely successful in whatever endeavors I have undertaken and law school will be no exception. Have you Reallybeen extremely successful in whatever endeavor you have undertaken, if so, how is law school similar to the other endeavors to make this a reasonable conclusion? Long story short, be more specific and less general about your assertions about yourself.


I think you have good stuff to work with here but I would look over it again, make some changes, and more effectively convince the reader that you would make a great lawyer at the end. All I know about you at this point is that your uncle died. You might want to cut down on some of the narrative if length is a problem and put in a little more about yourself and what you've done since the incident. You said you wanted to be a lawyer at that moment, which according to this was in your adolescence, to make this convincing maybe talk about different things you did in college (and before/beyond) that reflect this.

Good luck!

overall, i think this essay has a lot of potential. i agree w/ jelizabeth's advice to remove a lot of the melodramatic phrasing, such as in the second paragraph.

i think your motivation to become a lawyer is convincing, but i would warn against seeming too biased. i like your discussion of the DA's search for truth and think that should be emphasized, so that it doesn't look like you plan to attend law school in order to seek retribution.